Harry Potter and the Munchkins
by Schwepcn
Summary: Life is a game and the wizards are the players. On Harry's eleventh birthday he finds out that he is a protagonist complete with destiny and a tragic past.
1. Chapter 1

It had been an odd week for Harry Potter. Ever since a large envelope addressed to him had arrived in the mail his Aunt and Uncle had been in a panic. They tried everything they could to stop another letter from arriving from boarding up the house to calling the post office and telling them they had moved to Scotand. The letters kept arriving in more and more bizarre fashions; flying down the chimney, stuffed inside of eggs (Harry was still trying to figure that one out), or even switched with every paper in Uncle Vernon's briefcase. This had culminated in the Dursley family spending the night in a ramshackle shack in the middle of the ocean.

They had even forgotten that it would be Harry's birthday in 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...

The shack shook as something banged on the door. Harry and the Dursley's huddled behind Uncle Vernon who had apparentley bought a shotgun. _How did he get a gun so fast? I wonder if I could turn him in? _Harry thought.

The doorframe cracked under the repeated barrage and the largest man Harry had ever seen swept into the room. He took one look at Uncle Vernon's gun and burst out laughing. "Threatin' me with a gun. Oh, that's rich." He twisted the gun out of Uncle Vernon's hands before he could get a shot off, popped the gun open, and then twisted the barrel into a pretzel. "Now where's the birthday boy?" Uncle Vernon grabbed Harry and held him as a shield. "Ah, there yeh are, Harry. I was a friend of yer parents. Yeh can call me Hagrid. I got some news for yeh. Harry, yer a wizard."

A musical chime and a feminine voice rang out. "Would you like to distribute abilities now? Yes/No"

"Um, Hagrid, what's that?"

"That's proof that yer a wizard, 'Arry. The Narrator. Ya see, life is like a game, no, no, life is a game, ya that's right, and the wizards are the players. Now, don't go moving no points around til yeh know what yer doing, 'Arry."

"If life is a game and the wizards are the players what does that make them?" Harry pointed at the Dursleys.

Hagrid looked at the Dursleys and scratched his head "Dunno, never thought 'bout that. Scenery? Never finished school, bit embarrasing, that. But you'll learn all 'bout that at Hogawarts, 'Arry."

"If you think that I am going to pay so some crackpot geezer can teach that _boy_ to play _games _then you have another thing coming." Vernon shouted, a vein pulsed in his forehead and his little piggy eyes stood out. The only thing keeping Vernon from taking a swing at Hagrid was the twisted remains of the shotgun.

"NEVER INSULT ALBUS DUMBLEDORE IN FRONT OF ME." Hagrid bellowed pointing his umbrella at Dudley. With a flash and a crack Dudley sported a corkscrew tail.

"Right, well, I got sometin' for you 'Arry." Hagrid pulled a large assortment of junk out of his pockets and piled it onto the worn sofa. Pieces of lint and string, worn pencil nubs, dice, a mouse, a mouse trapped in lint, the pile continued to climb until it was half the height of Uncle Vernon. Hagrid let out a long suffering sigh, took off his coat and shook out the pockets engulfing the couch in debris. "Sorry bout that. Problem with pockets of infinite holding, doncha know. The trash just builds up over time. Anyway, here you go 'Arry. Happy Birthday." Hagrid held out a beatup white box to Harry. Harry carefully accepted, glanced at the pile of junk and holding it at arms length opened the lid. A cake sat there, the lid had pushed into the frosting and there was a piece of lint on the corner but it was his. A gift, his first birthday gift ever.

"Thank you, Hagrid." Dudley eyed the cake but was held back by Uncle Vernon, "Don't eat that son. No telling what those freaks put in it." Harry got the cake all too himself. It tasted like victory. Victory tasted stale.

x x x

The next morning Harry woke up to a barn owl tapping on the window. Blearily he stumbled over and opened the window to shoo the owl away. A few moments later he scrambled to hide behind Hagrid's bulk. Owls were _crazy_. "Hagrid, owl. Help... owl-"

"Pay him."

"Pay him what? For what? Am I paying for protection? Do the owls have a mafia? Can I get experience for-"

"Paper. Three knuts. Little copper coins. No more sugar." Hagrid turned over and his snoring came back full force.

Harry turned to the mound of trash from Hagrid's pockets. A few minutes poking revealed a silver coin. Harry picked it up, "You gained one sickle."

"Um, evil, demon bird, do you give change?" "Hoot. Hoot." The owl held out a small leather pouch strapped to his leg. Harry dropped the sickle into the pouch. A small bronze coin shot out hitting him on the forehead. "Ouch. Evil-" Another coin hit Harry. Harry ran and the owl pursued shooting change at Harry's backside. With a final weighty thunk _The Daily Prophet _hit Harry's head. He fell flat on his stomach, gasing for breath he rolled over onto his back. The owl hopped onto his chest and glared at him. "You win. I shall dedicated myself to learning your ways."

The owl nipped Harry on the nose and said in the narrator's voice, "Save point. Would you like to save? Yes/No"

Harry turned from the owl. Dudley was in the corner one hand fondling his tail, the other stuffed in his mouth to stop laughing. "Dudley, if this was a video game-"

Dudley took his hand out of his mouth. He giggled, then guffawed and finally worked his way down to snickering. "Always -heh- save. Always keep backups."

"Yes, I would like to save." The owl hacked, coughed and spat out a small wooden cabinet, it crashed to the ground. Hagrid's snoring stumbled, backfired and returned to a dull rumble. Harry opened the top drawer and peered down, it was broken down into seven rows, each row had eleven cards. Harry pulled out a card, "Would you like to name your save." "Yes." A golden quill appeared above the card. "Um," The quill wrote down 'Um'. "Wait, don't write-"The quill wrote down 'wait don't write'. "Delete. Erase." The quill wrote 'delete' then reversed direction, the ink disappeared as the quill ran back over the card. Harry sighed, "First save: Thirty-First of July, 1991." The quill wrote 'Sigh first save 31st July 19 91'. Harry carefully put the card back in the cabinet and the quill disappeared. "Close enough."

The cabinet shrunk and the owl caught it in his beak threw his head back and downed it in one gulp.

"Well, fre-" Dudley stopped and looked at Hagrid's sleeping form. "Harry, aren't you going to try it out."

"Dont encourage the fre- boy, Dudders."

Harry turned to his uncle, "You are a fat, lying bastard and I hope you choke on your own vomit."

Uncle Vernon turned maroon, he seemed to expand to fill Harry's vision, "You are going to pay for that boy. As soon as your fellow freak is gone you are going to pay."

"Load save."

"Select save to load."

"First save: Thirty-First of July, 1991."

"Save not found."

Harry turned to look at his uncle and gulped. "First save: Thirty-First of July, 1991."

"Save not found."

Vernon smiled at Harry. It was not a happy smile. Harry took a step back, closed his eyes, sighed, "First save: Thirty-First of July, 1991."

"Well, fre-" Dudley stopped and looked at Hagrid's sleeping form. "Harry, aren't you going to try it out."

Harry spent the next hour insulting the Dursley's diet, hygiene, intelligence, and (in the case of his uncle) ancestry. It was his best birthday ever. However all good things have to come to an end. Harry's vocabulary ran out and he made a note to himself to get a thesaurus. _Huh, __I __wonder if dinosaurs still exist. If magic is real, maybe... _

"Well, fre-" Dudley stopped and looked at Hagrid's sleeping form. "Harry, aren't you going to try it out."

"Dont encourage the fre- boy, Dudders."

_Where was I?_ Harry looked around the room at mound of trash, scattered coins, rolled up newspaper and preening owl. "Hail mighty demon bird. Fly free." The owl hooted grandly and flew through the window.

"Hagrid. Wake up, Hagrid. Hagrid. Hagrid, are there dinosaurs? Hagrid-"

A giant hand pushed Harry against the wall. "Fi' more minutes, Pa. Just fi' more minutes."

"Can't... breathe..."

"What, oh, sorry, 'Arry. How are ya."

"Good. Are there any dinosaurs?"

"Dinosaurs?"

"Big reptiles?"

"Oh, dragons. Yeah, we got them. Blimey, I always wanted one."

"Who wouldn't? Is there a game guide? Can I get a de- er- owl? Where is Hogwarts? Why do you use-"

"Slow down there, Harry. We're gonna pickup your books at Diagon Alley. Yer letter says ye can have an owl. Hogwarts is in Scotland. Now today we need to pick up your school supplies today. We're gonna go to Diagon Alley. Just need to pickup my cash..." Hagrid looked at the pile and frowned. "I'm not supposed to strickly do this now that I found yeh, but, eh, what the hell. _Accio money_." Coins flew out and hit Hagrid. Hagrid didn't seem to notice. He did notice when Vernon Dursley's posterior bounced off his chest. "Sorry, 'bout that. Forgot muggles liked to carry their money on their bums. Let's get going, Harry."

Outside of the shack stood a black motorcycle with sidecar. "Hagrid, how are we getting off this _island_?"

"'Arry, every muggleborn goes through this. Just repeat after me: _It's magic_!"

"_It's magic_!"

"Now, keep repeating that everytime something don't make sense. Now get in."

Harry climbed into the sidecar. Hagrid gunned it and ran it toward the sea. Harry squealed like a little girl. Hagrid prayed. The motorcycle continued to run over the water for twenty feet before it lifted into the air. Hagrid gave a sigh of relief. Harry continued to squeal like a little girl.

"What did I tell ya', Harry?"

"_It's magic! It's magic! It's magic! It's magic! It's magic! It's magic! It's magic!_"

x x x

They landed in the middle of London. "Why didn't anyone notice us? No, wait, _it's magic!_"

"Yer a fast learner 'Arry. Now this here is the entrance to Diagon Alley. Good grog, greasy food," Hagrid pointed to a run down pub called The Leaky Cauldron.

The rest of the day passed in a montage. Harry meets snob in clothes shop, Harry meets creepy man selling wands, Harry buys books, Harry buys potion ingredients, Harry eats ice cream, Harry uses the restroom, Harry buys a trunk, and Harry is jerked out of a montage by Hagrid handing him a large snowy owl.

"'Appy Birthday, Harry."

"You have gained familiar: Owl."

"Thanks Hagrid. He's beautiful. Hey, how do you stop that voice?"

"_She_ is beautiful, yeh, her name is Hedwig. Yeh can turn off the voice in the option menu. It's in your books. Now don't do let no muggles see yeh doing magic. Yer underage and the ministry don't like that. But there's more to magic than stick twirling, remember that Harry."

"How do I get to Hogwarts?"

"What, yeh don't know how to get to Hogwarts- sorry Harry, I keep forgettin'. Just, I knew yer parents and all, and well-" Hagrid took out an oversized hanky and loudly blew his nose. "We need to get the practical books not just them fancy stuff they expect ya to learn up at the castle."

Hagrid led Harry back to _Flourish and Blott's_ where he picked up a plain book with 'Don't Panic' printed on the cover in large friendly letters. "Best book ever written right here, Harry. Not always true, but right when it counts."

"Thanks. Hagrid, why did my parents die? Couldn't they have just loaded from their last save?"

"Save? Harry, only protaginis's can save."

"The owl puke out a cabinet and-"

"Harry, yer a protaginis'! Yer going to fix everything, yeh are. Come on, we 'ave to tell Dumbledore." Hagrid bodily picked up Harry and started running down the alley towards _The Leaky Cauldron_.

"Load savegame. Sigh First save: Thirty-First of July, 1991."

"Well, fre-" Dudley stopped and looked at Hagrid's sleeping form. "Harry, aren't you going to try it out."

___They want me to what? Fix everything? How- I'm eleven, just turned eleven, how-_

___Today is going to be a long day._

******Author's Notes: I don't own Harry Potter.**

******I have read a couple of Naruto/Harry die and wake up in a game version of reality. This fic is intended to be different in two ways: Everyone knows that they are in a game and are trying to munchkin the rules and Harry does not gain super powers from the game.**


	2. Chapter 2

Harry woke up Hagrid again and once again they set off on the flying motorbike. Without the eminent threat of death Harry found that he rather enjoyed flying. Facing the flood of adoring fans in the Leaky Cauldron he managed to get everyone into a line. He even signed a few autographs, including one for his new DADA professor, before Hagrid pulled him off to Gringott's.

Harry still didn't see a dragon but the second exposure to the grubby package in vault seven hundred and thirteen piqued curiosity. Hagrid's assurance to "Never yeh mind that, Arry" didn't help.

Before Hagrid led him off to Madame Malkin's Harry managed to talk Hagrid into ice cream. _No reason to be stuck next to what's his name again._ Harry even made sure to pick up The Hitchhiker's Guide when he purchased his text books. Ollivander however was just as creepy the second time as he was the first.

This time Harry had the presence of mind to ask what You-Know-Who's name was because he really didn't know who. This led to a shushed conversation between Hagrid and Ollivander with the occasional furtive glance thrown towards Harry. After tossing a coin which Harry felt was rather rude Ollivander started to describe how a bunch of tossers tried to take over the wizarding government. "They were led by a man who called himself Lord Voldemort. He probably thought it meant 'flight of death' it actually means 'flight _from_ death'. They need to start teaching the classics at Hogwarts. It's embarrassing is what it is."

"But what was his secret identity?"

"Secret identity?"

"Yeah, like Batman or Spider-man." Ollivander mouthed "Spider-man" at Hagrid, Hagrid just gave a large shrug. "You said you sold him his wand so you must know who he was."

"I of course sold him his wand and I know who he was but with libel laws being what they are..."

"So you have no proof? That creepy speech about my scar coming from my wand's brother is just made up? That's low, really low."

Ollivander inhaled through his teeth, "Riddle. His name was Tom Riddle."

"What? No. Couldn't be Riddle. He was a good kid. Headboy. He tried to do right by me when I got thrown out of 'Ogwarts, he did."

"Thirteen and a half inches. Yew. I never forget a wand, Mr. Hagrid."

Muttering under his breath about "no good Slytherins" Hagrid clumped out of the shop. Harry tossed seven galleons at Ollivander and ran after Hagrid. Hagrid kept going straight down the alley allowing his huge bulk to force the other shoppers out of the way. It would take a very stupid, arrogant berk to get in Hagrid's way. Hagrid hadn't made it twenty feet until he brushed aside a rotund witch wearing pink.

"Hem, _hem_. I must say it is very rude to- Don't you walk away from me. I am the undersecretary to the minister you half-breed!"

Hagrid turned around, "'Alf-breed? I fought in the war. I was out there with no wand protectin' you. And all you can think when you see me is 'alf-breed."

Backing away the witch took out her wand and backed away. Hagrid continued to gesticulate as he stepped closer to the witch. "Ahem. _Diffendo_."

The witch's curse didn't even phase Hagrid. He just reached out, grasped her hand and then there was a loud crunching sound. Her guttural scream snapped the alley into motion. The wizards turned and ran crushing each other in their attempt to get away from Hagrid.

Hagrid looked down in horror at the witch. "Ah no, I'm sorry 'bout that. I just got caught up an' then-"

There was a sound like a steamroller on bubblewrap and suddenly Hagrid was surrounded by red cloaked wizards. As one they started casting. A rainbow of colors forced down Hagrid down onto his knees. Harry stood back tears streaming down his face. "L-Load savegame. Sigh First save: Thirty-First of July, 1991."

"Well, fre-" Dudley stopped and looked at Hagrid's sleeping form. "Harry, aren't you going to try it out."

Harry sat down with his head between his legs. Hagrid got up an hour later so Harry reloaded. He repeated this a few more times until the grind of boredom forced itself past his shock. He made it through the day again in a daze. He made sure to pick up the Hitchhiker's Guide and thank Hagrid profusely for Hedwig. Upon returning to Privet Drive he made a new save. Went to sleep. Reloaded. Then went to sleep again.

**Author's Notes: I don't own Harry Potter.**

**It's a short chapter but it seems wrong to write the death of Hagrid and then move right into Harry reading his textbooks.**

**Hagrid just realized that he had been kicked out of school by Voldemort himself, something Dumbledore never told him. His entire world view just took a really big hit and then the evilest person in the Potterverse shows up. I think his reaction was more than justified.**


	3. Chapter 3

"...taking the number calculated in step 8 look up the SAW (Spells Available to Wizard) in figure 1.4 and correct based on specializations according to table 1.8 to arrive at the number of spells per specialization. This is the number that is then corrected for by the appropriate item, perks or feat unless the item, perk or feat says otherwise." "You have gained one knowledge point." "Then the effects of the item perk, or feat is used in step 3. Hedwig, did you understand any of that? Yeah, me neither." Harry dropped the textbook on the desk and rubbed his eyes. "It makes no sense, and all I want to do is turn off that damn voice."

"Help system disabled."

"That was it? I only had to say turn off? Damn it all."

Two days of studying his textbooks had only given Harry a headache. They only talked about points and graphs and never explained what they meant. The Hitchhiker's Guide had been much more useful. Harry now knew how to make an alcoholic beverage anywhere with anything. He didn't dare try it. Even if Aunt Petunia seemed to be ignoring him now there was no way she wouldn't not notice if he was drunk.

"Hey Harry, can you come with me? Bring your books."

"What? I'm not in the mood, Dudley."

"Look, I swear I'm not messing with you. Just come on, please?"

_If he does screw with me I can always just reload._ Harry got up and stuffed his texts into his backpack and followed Dudley. _If I didn't know better I would say ikkie Duddiekins is nervous._

"You can't tell Mom and Dad about this, alright? You know how they are about the m-word. I don't go to the movies on Saturday. We, the gang and me, have Dungeon and Dragon night at Pier's house."

"You play D&D? You don't really fit the stereotype, Dudley."

"And what stereotype would that be, Harry?"

"Er, no idea. So every Saturday you play D&D and that makes you want to look at my schoolbooks."

"Yeah. I won't tell them that magic is real or anything. I just thought we could use them in our adventure."

"You are offering me blackmail material for story ideas?"

"I'm giving a peace offering. A couple days with a pig's tail and you start to question your viewpoints. Hell, I play D&D because I wish I was a wizard. If this was a story I would be the bad guy. I don't want to be the bad guy, Harry."

"Will there be pizza?"

x x x

Dudley's gang met up in Pier's attic. There was indeed pizza and after Dudley informed the gang about Harry's change in position they seemed to accept him into the group. He still couldn't get a word in edge word especially after Dudley showed off Harry's textbooks.

"This is going to be an awesome campaign. Everything takes place in a magic boarding school. Secret passages, evil wizards, Dudley you have outdone yourself."

"Shut up for a sec, Gordon. I think I've got this. Knowledge points are for studying, reading books, or paying attention in class. Those knowledge points go into sub-pools which I can buy spells from. I can use point from one pool to buy a spell from another pool but it has a penalty that... depends on a lot of stuff. We should use house rules for that.

"Action points are for killing monsters and saving princesses and things. I can use those points to increase attributes _or_ buy feats. Attributes are broken into Intelligence - lowers the number of knowledge points it takes to buy a spell, Power - increases the effects of the spell, Speed - increases the rate that the spell is cast, and Stamina - increases the number of times you can cast the spell."

"Don't be an idiot, Piers. You don't buy spells from the knowledge pools you allocate points in the knowledge pool," Malcom said.

"Shut it, doesn't make a difference, does it."

"You use the knowledge pool for skill checks, dingus."

"Hey, the appendix has rules about how to apply points." said Gordon.

"What the hell do you think we were talking about?" said Piers.

"No, seriously, listen to this, 'Taking your wand and rotating it widdershins one full rotation place the tip of your wand on your temple and intone _Bookus Wantus_.'"

Dudley's gang fell to the floor laughing. _"Bookus Wantus?_ We are so going have to come up with some better incantations than that. _Bookus Wantus,_" Dudley wheezed.

Gordon waved for attention, "Right, look like this is going to be a D6 game. Everyone roll up their characters, I'll try to get character sheets made before next Saturday. Everyone is going to be in Gryffindor for our first campaign and no Piers you cannot play a girl."

Malcom raised his hand, "Can I play a half house-elf half giant? What? It makes sense. The spell resistance of the giant and the magic boost from the house-elf would make me unstoppable."

"Other than the disturbing vision of giant porking a house-elf there is still the problem of that you have to be at least half human to become a wizard."

"That isn't hard coded into the rules. It's just a law and if we average the heights I'll be about human sized. I can just use a bluff check."

"I'm ruling no," Gordon said.

The game finally started with the gang meeting Albus Dumbledore, slayer of Grindlewald. But things were not right in Hogwarts for the Third Reich's lost werewolf battalion, the Blitzenwolf, had set up camp in the forbidden forest. And with that the night ended.

x x x

"_Bookus Wantus._" Harry took his wand away from his temple. A silver strand connected his wand to his head. The strand thickened and darkened until it transformed into a leather bound book. "Let's see the default five action points, must not have gotten any from kicking Riddle's ass, and four knowledge points in the general pool, must be from studying the rules. I've got perks! A Mother's Love, Natural Flyer, Parsletongue, and The Potter Family Curse."

A search of his books showed that Natural Flyer meant he would be naturally talented on brooms, carpets, or mortars however The Potter Family Curse, Parsletongue, and A Mother's Love weren't in any of his books. Harry then bought his first recommended cantrip, _lumos_, and spent the next hour lighting up the end of his wand.

With the breakthrough Dudley's playgroup had given him Harry was able to start preparing the subjects he wanted. Every morning he made his daily save overwriting the previous day's save. He spent three days a week studying, Saturday's were spent fight Nazi werewolves, the rest of his time he spent all over England. The Hitchhiker's Guide had described the Knight Bus and Harry was using it for all he was worth. He used a baseball cap to hide his scar and remembered to never buy the hot chocolate. It was delicious but with the frequent stops and swerves it spilled everywhere.

His trip to Stonehenge was interrupted by a blonde girl. She just sat looking at him for ten minutes. "What is it? Do I have something on my face?"

"No. I've just never met anyone who worked for the Rotfang Conspiracy before."

"Rotfang conspiracy?"

"It's alright, you can deny it but I saw you with the Hagrid imposter."

"Hagrid imposter?"

"Yes. He was captured in Diagon alley and then replaced with an evil twin. You can read about it in The Quibbler." She thrust a paper at him. "It's the last voice of truth on the planet. You'll never silence us, rotter."

She exited the knight bus two stops later after explaining to Harry that he was responsible for tooth decay and grouchy vampires and that he should really give her an interview. Shaking his head in bewilderment Harry opened The Quibbler and saw it had a complete record of Hagrid's capture written by ace reporter Luna Lovegood.

_...and so the BFG fell to the cowardly attack of the Rotfang Conspiracy. Mass obliviations must have taken place because this reporter also remembers Hagrid, or should I say Hagrid imposter, escorting young Harry Potter at the exact same time of his capture. We at The Quibbler can only hope that The-Boy-Who-Lived is able to break away from the conspiracy's foul clutches._

x x x

When September 1st arrived he wasn't ready for summer to be over. He made a new save and loaded "Save 2: July 31st 1991".

Harry went to sleep for the night. Waking up the next morning he waved his text book over to him. "Wingardium Leviosa. Nothing happened. "_Lumos._" Nothing happened, he shook his wand. "_Lumos_." Nothing. _"Bookus Wantus._ What do you mean I have no knowledge points? Oh crap. Stats don't transfer. There is no way in heck I'm going to redo all that studying. Load save three: September 1st 1991. It's off to see the wizard."

**Author's Notes: I don't own Harry Potter.**

**BFG stands for Big Friendly Giant. If you didn't know that you need to go read more Roald Dahl.**

**This is AU. The Dursleys are not nice people but Dudley and Petunia also are not the abusive wastes of flesh they are in canon either. Vernon however is still a waste of space, but his excesses are kept in check. They are what Dumbledore expected, not loving but not abusive. Still doesn't excuse Dumbledore for not checking once on Harry though.**


	4. Chapter 4

Harry left a note on the fridge and called the Knight Bus. The bus was packed full of hyperactive children and a small menagerie of cats and owls. Harry could actually see the bus expanding to fit everyone. Stan Shunpike helped him get his trunk on board and he sat next to a boy with a very pronounced brow. When Harry tried to introduce himself he only got a grunt back that sounded like "Boil."

Thankfully King's Cross Station was the first stop. Harry just followed the crowd of people through the illusionary wall and on to platform 9 and ¾.

A red steam locomotive stood on the other side of the wall. Harry moved to a middle car and levitated his trunk into the carriage. Sitting back he opened his Quibbler. He had bought a complete back order to work through and trying to figure out just how much truth there was in the Lovegood's assertions was a time consuming process. The runic puzzle on the back page was always a real mind bender too.

"Do you mind if we sit here?" A bushy haired witch had a slightly pudgy boy in what looked like a head lock.

"No, go ahead." Harry waved his hand towards the empty seats across from him then went back to solving the Lovegood's runic puzzle. He needed a word that rhymed with orange...

"My name is Hermione Granger and this is Neville Longbottom. I met him on the platform he was raised in a wizarding family but I'm muggleborn. My parents are dentists and they were so surprised when Professor McGonagall came to explain Hogwarts. What's your name?"

_Should have said the seat was taken._ "Harry Potter."

"Oh wow, really? I read all about you in Modern Magical History and The Rise and Fall of the Dark Arts and Great Wizarding Events of the Twentieth Century."

"Do they print 'You-Know-Who' or 'Voldemort'?" Neville gasped and Hermione looked scandalized. "What? I kicked his ass when I was a baby why would I be afraid to say his name now?"

"So, um, what are you reading?"

"Nice change of topic. I'm reading the Quibbler. How does it feel to know that your parents are members of the Rotfang Conspiracy?"

"There's no such thing as the Rotfang Conspiracy and my parents are not members of it."

"You said that a little too fast. Are you trying to hide something?"

"Everyone says I talk too fast. I'm not trying to hide anything but there is just too much to say. Like did you know that male seahorses give birth to live young? Or that clownfish change their sex? Or that entomologists identify beetles by the spines on their-"

Harry held up a hand to stall her, "You never answered my first question. Did they print 'You-Know-Who' or 'Voldemort'?"

"'He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named' actually."

"I just don't get it. By historical standards his reign of terror wasn't exceptionally bloody or long. Why all the fear? Got any ideas, Neville?"

"You don't know?" Neville said.

"Raised by muggles. I only found out I was a wizard a month ago."

"Um, well You-Know-Who-" Harry bit his tongue. "-created the Imperius curse. It allows you to remotely control other people. Gran said that during the war anyone could be a traitor: friends, children, anyone."[1] The train pulled away from the station and all conversation paused as Hermione and Neville hanged out the window waving at the platform.

Hermione finally sat down and said, "That wasn't in any of my books. Are you sure that's what happened?"

"That's what Gran said." Neville said defensively.

"What did your books say?"

"Mainly they talked about how you defeated You-Know-Who."

"How did I defeat You-Know-Who?"

"Well, they don't really agree with each other but you somehow reflect the killing curse back at Voldemort disintegrating him."

"How do they know the killing curse was used on me and my parents didn't manage to kill him?"

"The books didn't say."

"Can we agree that the books are bullshit?"

Hermione's mouth silently opened and closed. Harry went back to trying to find a word that rhymed with orange. _Syringe? No. __D__oes it have to be English?_

"Language, Harry!"

"Hmm, are we still having that conversation? I'd much rather talk about something else. Like Neville, you've been a wizard your whole life. Your knowledge pools must be a lot higher than me or Hermione's."

"Uh, no. I didn't actually develop my magic until later. Gran and Great Uncle Algie thought I might be a squib. Besides, stats don't actually increase until after your eleventh birthday."

"You can't do magic until you're eleven?" Harry asked.

"You can do accidental magic. But nothing wanded, no."

"Oh, that's good. Why wasn't that mentioned in the textbook? I was afraid that I would be behind all the other students. But if everyone starts off at eleven then they won't have too far of a head start and I can catch up," Hermione said. "I've already tried a few spells and they all seemed to work for me. What house do you think you'll be in? I was reading about them and I think that Gryffindor would be the best, that's the house Dumbledore was in."

"Gran wants me to be in Gryffindor."

The compartment door slid open before Harry could answer. The rude arse from Harry's first trip to Diagon Alley stood there with Boil at his left shoulder and a what looked like a pink colored rock at his right. "Is it true?" he said. "They're saying all down the train that Harry Potter's in this compartment. So it's you, is it?"

"How the hell did they know that I was here? I only talked to you two," Harry looked at Neville and Hermione, "and you haven't had the chance to tell anyone." Neville and Hermione just shrugged.

"So you are Harry Potter. I just came to offer my congratulations on rejoining the wizarding world and to offer my services."

"One, what's your name again? And two, what services can you provide?"

"I'm Draco Malfoy, this is Crabbe and that's Goyle. I can help you distinguish between the pure and the," his lip curled into a sneer as he looked at Hermione, "the trash."

"And what would make the wonderfully erudite Hermione, and this is Neville by the way,"

"We're cousins," Neville said softly.

"any less worthy than you or me?"

"Blood, Potter. We were born into our destinies. The purity of our blood grants us power."

"Two problems with that, one my mother was muggleborn you asshole, and two the best possible wizard would be half giant, quarter veela, and quarter house-elf. I did the math if you want to double check."

Hermione snatched the character sheet from Harry. Pulling out a slide rule she started scribbling figures in the margin and muttering to herself. Draco turned beet red but the food cart stopped him from replying. Between Harry and Neville the compartment was filled with a small heap of food. Chowing down Neville said through a mouthful of Cauldron Cake, "Lucky you. You already have a rival."

"What's so lucky about it?"

"Half of the Hogwart's experience is putting students in just enough danger that they get action points but not so much that they kick the bucket. Sneaking around the castle, midnight duels, rivals are a great way to action points."

"Are you really a cousin of that jackass?"

"Well yeah, so are you."

Harry choked on his cake. "Could you say that again?"

"You're his cousin too. I think you are actually a closer relation to him than I am."

"So we're related too?"

"Everyone is related. There aren't that many of us."

"Oh God, I think I'm going to be sick."

Hermione looked up from her work. "This checks out. A half giant, quarter veela, and quarter house-elf would be insanely powerful. How on Earth did you think of this, Harry? Are you alright, Harry?" Harry was leaning out gulping in air. "Harry, get back in here," Hermione grabbed his shirt and pulled. "What is wrong with you."

"I found out that I'm more inbred than the Habsburgs, Hermione. Everyone is related here. Everyone!"

"Calm down. You can be related to someone very distantly and not have to worry about inbreeding. You are only 1/64 related to your second cousins, Harry. Besides, you said that your mother was muggleborn right? If you want I can do look at your family tree and see how much inbreeding actually happened."

"Thank you, Hermione. Thank you, thank you." Harry hugged her and she awkwardly returned it.

The compartment door slammed open, "We're almost there, firsties. Time to- Oho, I better keep an eye on you two. Change up. We're almost there. Leave your trunks on the train." The Ravenclaw prefect shut the door. Harry and Hermione looked at each other then quickly shoved the other away.

"Me and Neville will change then you can have the compartment."

"Alright." Red faced Hermione went out into the corridor. After changing into their robes and giving Hermione the compartment to change the train had started to slow down. Neville and Harry shoved the remainder of their food in their trunks while Hermione lectured them on proper tooth care and the removal of refined sugars from a proper diet. Harry was too grateful to tell her to be quiet and Neville whispered to him that it reminded him of his gran.

"Firs' years! Firs' years over here! All right there, Harry?"

The first years followed Hagrid down to a lake. With the only illumination coming from the moon the lake was dark and unwelcoming.

"No more,n four to a boat!" Hagrid called.

Hermione, Neville, and Harry quickly grabbed their own boat. In a show of unspoken agreement they sat in the center as far as the edge as possible. The boats glided across the lake through a pitch black tunnel. Calling out _lumos_ from his wand the other boats around Harry quickly followed suit. Docking Hagrid led them up a long flight of stairs to a forbidding wooden door.

Hagrid knocked on the door which opened revealing a tall elderly woman. "I'll take them from here, Hagrid." She led them into a room and gave a speech which Harry quickly tuned out. It was something about following rules._ Honestly, if someone isn't going to follow rules in the first place what good is telling them to follow the rules going to do? You might as well make a rule that all rules should be followed._

"I shall return when we are ready for you. Please wait quietly." McGonagall then left the thirty plus nervous, sugar high, eleven year olds in a room, by themselves, with working wands. What happened next was her fault and Harry would swear that to the grave.

Someone, definitely not Harry, may have dropped a slinky on the floor. That slinky may have been moved with levitation charms. The purebloods who had never seen a slinky might, perhaps, have been slightly afraid of the odd undulating metal. A few hexes might have been cast and some of those hexes might have missed the slinky and hit other first years. Those other first years might have thrown a few hexes back. The important point is not who started it (certainly not Harry!) but to understand that when the Hogwart ghosts did their annual Firstie Spook a battle royale was taking place.

"Forgive and forget, I say, we ought to give him a second chance-" The ghostly friar took in the fray. "My lord. Get McGonagall quick."

Nearly Headless Nick took off at a very pronounced float and soon Professor McGonagall burst into the room. She let out a boom from the end of her wand. "Detentions. All of you. Line up. Single file. Move!"

Harry ended up next to a red headed boy who was fingering his wand and glaring at Malfoy. "Little puke. You know what he did? He barges into my compartment talking about how the entire train is saying Harry Potter is there, insults my rat and then storms off."

The curly blonde girl to his left said, "He did the same thing to me. Well, not the rat but the other stuff. I'm Hannah."

Harry shook her hand. "I'm Harry. He did the same thing to me too."

The red headed boy pulled Harry around. "Are you really Harry Potter?"

"I am. And you are?"

"Ron. Ron Weasley. Do you really-"

"Quiet. Follow me." Professor McGonagall led the first years into the great hall. Walking to a stool she carefully placed a tattered hat on it. The hat broke into a merry little song[1] and the entire great hall broke into applause as the hat bowed. Hannah was the first to be called so Harry was stuck next to Ron who it seemed couldn't take his eyes off of Harry's forehead. Harry clapped for Hermione and Neville as they both made it into Gryffindor while he tried to edge away from Ron.

Finally his name was called and he all bit ran to the sorting hat. Sticking it over his head he sat down on the stool. "Another Protagonist? It's been a long time since I've seen one of you. Where would you like to go?"

"Aren't you supposed to tell me?"

"Normally yes. But you would just reload if you didn't like my choice. I already put both your friends in Gryffindor."

"Any advantages to the other houses?"

"Hufflepuff is next to the kitchens. Slytherin has private rooms. Ravenclaw has its own library."

"No way am I going to the same house as Malfoy. As tempting as the kitchens are I think I'll stick with Hermione and Neville."

"Please don't cause too much damage. GRYFFINDOR!"

Taking the hat off Harry walked over to the wildly cheering Gryffindor table. The sorting ended with Ron in Gryffindor. Then there was food and finally Dumbledore stood up and gave a cryptic warning about the third floor corridor. Then it was off to bed. An hour after listening to Ron's snoring Harry spent the points for _silencio_ and finally went to sleep.

**Author's Notes: I don't own Harry Potter.**

**[1]The Voldemort invented imperio idea is not my original idea but I can't for the life of me remember where I read it.**

**[2] My attempts at poetry tends to come out more angsty than chipper so I'm not going to be doing any original sorting hat songs and I don't like to outright copy from the books. If you want a sorting hat song here read it from Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone.**

**I'm not going to bash Ron. He has been thoroughly bashed elsewhere. This is just an average, socially awkward boy who got off on the wrong foot with Harry.**


	5. Chapter 5

Monday

The next morning Harry woke up and jotted a quick note, "I would be happy to give you an interview if you could help me with the answer to the runic puzzle in the June 20, 1990 issue of The Quibbler. What rhymes with orange?" he then left the other boys still sleeping and went in search of the owlery.

It took him close to an hour to find it and that was only with the help of two ghosts and half a dozen portraits. "Hey Hedwig. I'm going to need to save," Harry said stroking her feathers. Hedwig nipped his fingers affectionately then vomited out his save chest. A few moments digging and he pulled out the correct card. "Erase. New save: Daily.

"I want you to take this letter to Luna Lovegood. Can you do that, Hedwig? No, I didn't mean to insult you. You are the queen of all demon birds, I just wanted to make sure it wasn't beneath your attention. Come on down to breakfast before you go for some bacon, ok?"

Harry started to go down for breakfast. After ten minutes of increasingly futile searching he found himself flanked by a set of ginger twins. "What have we here, Fred?"

"I'd say it's a lost firstie, George."

"You just might be right."

"Now we could help find his way, Fred, couldn't we?"

"Yes, yes we could. But a favor given-"

"means a favor received.

"So Harry, a little help now-"

"for a little help later?"

"Gentlemen, you have a deal."

The twins led Harry through two separate secret passages, down a flight of stairs, back up the same flight of stairs, through another secret passage and out into the great hall.

Harry loaded up his plate making sure to get extra bacon. Halfway through the meal Hedwig came and eagerly gobbled up the proffered bacon. "Harry, are you sure you should be feeding your owl bacon? It can't be good for her."

"Hermione, _it's magic!_"

"Oh right, Sorry. Hurry up and finish. We've got Herbology and then Charms."

Outside Greenhouse One they were met by a powerfully built witch with a broadsword strapped to her back. "Scrawny lot ain't you. I'm Professor Sprout. Everyone grab a sword."

The rest of the class Professor Sprout showed them the correct way to hold their assorted weaponry. When Lavender asked why they were using swords in Herbology Professor Sprout explained that using a wand on magical plants usually destroyed their properties and that was only when the plants weren't immune.

When Lavender asked about garden tools Professor Sprout showed them the Devil's Snare. "Show me a trowel that can deal with that and I'll show you a battleaxe, Ms. Brown."

After Herbology they had charms with the Ravenclaws.

"I thought we would start today's class with a practical to see where you are. Lunch starts in an hour, if you want to eat you'll need to escape the classroom. Good-bye," and with that the diminutive Professor disappeared.

"Let's go out the window," Seamus said, "We can take turns levitating each other down to the ground."

Hermione snorted, "Wingardium Leviosa only extends 30 ft and we're at least 50 ft off the ground."

"We could try to break down the door with the desks."

"Didn't you read _Hogwarts: A History_? The doors are charmed to be unbreakable."

Harry walked over to the door. "Shouldn't we check to see if it's locked first?" He shook the handle. "Yep, it's locked. How did Flitwick leave?"

"Maybe he apparated?" said Terry.

"Honestly, has no one read _Hogwarts: A History_?"

"No." The class shouted at her.

Hermione harrumphed, "You can't apparate inside of Hogwarts."

Parvati went to the front of the room. "There has to be a secret passage. It would have to be under his desk." The class spent the next five minutes knocking on the ground around the desk, twisting handles, and stroking stones.

"Are we sure he's gone? He could be invisible and watching us." Ron said. That stopped the search for a secret passage.

Harry went back to the door. "Hey everyone, look at the hinges. The weight of the door is the only thing keeping the door in the hinges." The class quickly levitated the door off the hinges. Before they could leave for lunch they were stopped by an applauding Professor Flitwick. Standing on the ceiling he called out, "Good job. Back to your desk. In this class clever use of charms is more important than breadth of charms known. Now, what else could you have done? No idea is stupid."

x x x

Tuesday

In Transfiguration they turned matchsticks into needles. It was very different from charms. It was based solely on their attributes and transfiguration knowledge pool. Professor McGonagall promised that the end results of transfiguration were even more powerful and versatile than charms.

The class was skeptical until Professor McGonagall turned herself into a cat. After the class they all couldn't stop talking about what their animagus forms would be. Harry thought he would like to be a bird while Neville said he'd be a monkey. Hermione said she couldn't make up her mind without further research.

History of Magic was not what Harry expected. The professor walked through the chalkboard at the beginning of class. "In this class you young idiots are going to learn how to live a long life by not repeating the mistakes of other young idiots and the first thing you need to learn is paperwork. Goblins love their paperwork and if you want to live to your majority you will too."

The rest of the class consisted of the right color ink to use on which documents. Wills required red, unless the sole recipient was underage in which case it required mauve, unless of course the writer was a member of a most ancient and noble house... and the list of rules just continued. The class ended with an album showing what goblins did to wizards who signed in the wrong ink. Hermione was more popular than she had ever been before when the class realized she was the only one who had taken notes.

Defense Against the Dark Arts was held in a large classroom with a dragon skeleton hanging from the ceiling. No one looked at the skeleton. They were too busy staring at Professor Quirrell. He was standing at the front of the class juggling fireballs.

"Professor," Hermione stuck up her hand, "how are you doing that?"

"Oh, three is easy. No trick to it, Ms. Granger." Professor Quirrell caught and extinguished the fireballs one by one. "This year we are going to learn about the many dark creatures. Those dark forms at the night that you thought lived only in your nightmares."

Hermione raised her hand. "Why aren't goblins considered dark creatures? We talked about them in history and they seem dark, or at least bloody."

"To quote the brilliant Douglas Adam's seminal work on goblin culture, 'They are one of the most unpleasant races on Earth - not actually evil, but bad tempered, bureaucratic, officious and callous. They wouldn't even lift a finger to save their own grandmothers from the a horde of ravenous flobberworms without orders signed in triplicate, sent in, sent back, queried, lost, found, subjected to public inquiry, lost again, and finally buried in soft peat and recycled as firelighters.' [1]

"With that said, they are completely trustworthy. There is no paperwork available for theft or embezzlement and that makes the goblins the only creatures that could run a wizarding bank, Ms. Granger."

The rest of the class was brilliant. Professor Quirrell brought out a trunk. After Hermione provided the correct counter to a boggart Quirrel pointed his wand at his own head and cast, "_Imperio."_ Opening the trunk he pulled out a small, barking ball of fur. "Now, how did I counter the boggart? Mr. Longbottom?"

Neville lowered his hand, "You commanded yourself to only be afraid of puppies?"

"That is correct, 10 points to Gryffindor. Doing this in anything other than a controlled situation is moronic. I have no sense of self preservation right now. I would happily walk into a killing curse." Placing the puppy back into the trunk he tapped his temple with his wand. "Next class you are going to face the boggart yourself so I expect everyone to have bought the riddikulus charm by next class."

x x x

Wednesday

Professor Sprout stood before the Hufflepuffs and Gryffindors. "Grab your weapon of choice. The Venus Mantrap is teething and we need to nurse it."

Harry almost chose an old mace until Neville stopped him. "You need a cutting edge for the Venus Mantrap. Go with the short sword, we don't have the upper body strength for a claymore yet."

"Thanks Neville. You're a lifesaver."

"Everyone armed? Tally ho." Professor Sprout led the charge into the greenhouse.

After a quick stop by the hospital wing the class rushed to charms. This time class consisted of serving tea using only charms.

Astronomy was held at night in the observatory. As far as Harry could tell it was a hundred years out of date. Hermione promptly corrected him, it was actually four hundred years out of date.

x x x

Thursday

At breakfast a barn owl flew in with a letter for Harry. "Hey there, would you like some bacon." "Prek." "Sorry, look like that's Hedwig's. Neville can you give him some bacon? Thanks." Harry opened the letter.

_Nothing rhymes with orange. Daddy says that since you are at school I won't be able to interview you in person so I should send a list of questions. What colors are you ambivalent about? Which would you choose to fight: 100 duck sized horses or 1 horse sized duck? Do you wear boxers or briefs? Are you interested in cute blondes and if not why?_

_Your Intrepid, Bombshell, Ace Reporter_

_Luna Lovegood_

"Nothing. Clever girl. Neville, would you say I am ambivalent about blue?

"Depends, Harry. Do you like blue?" "No." "Do you hate blue?" "No. "Then yes, I would say you are ambivalent about blue."

They went to class arguing about whether it would be better to fight the horse sized duck or duck sized horses.

Professor McGonagall spent her class teaching all the things that couldn't be done with magic. It was a very short list.

History of Magic was spent learning what order to write their names on which documents. The class tried to pay attention but one by one they fell asleep except for Hermione who was rapidly writing everything Professor Binns said.

x x x

Friday

Harry had been dreading Double Potions with the Slytherins the entire week. Malfoy had become a nuisance and had enlisted most of the other Slytherins to irritate and annoy Harry. Professor Snape also always had a very unpleasant expression Harry saw him.

Harry sat down next to Neville in the poorly ventilated dungeons. Professor Snape billowed into the classroom. "Many of you may think that because this class does not use a wand it is inferior. That is false. With a large enough knowledge pool anything is possible. I can teach you how to bottle fame, brew glory, even stopper death - if you aren't as big a bunch of dunderheads as I usually have to teach."

He stood at the front of the task and sneered at the assembled students for a minute. "Potter," he barked, "what would I get if I added powdered root of asphodel to an infusion of wormwood?"

"I don't know, sir."

"Let's try again. Potter, where would you look if I told you to find me a bezoar?"

"Thought you wouldn't open a book before coming, eh, Potter? What is the difference, Potter, between monkshood and wolfsbane?"

"Load savegame: Daily. Slimy git." Harry rushed back to the dorms and pulled out his potion's textbook. Skipping breakfast he studied up on the questions Snape would ask.

Harry couldn't keep a small small off his face as he looked at Snape.

Snape glanced at him and sneered, "What are the seven uses for boomslang skin?"

"Um, I... don't know."

"Let's try again. Potter, where would you look if I told you to find me an alicorn?"

"Load savegame: Daily. What. The. Hell. How did he do that? It's like he knew what I knew and then he knew what I didn't know. But how could he know?"

Hermione found Harry in the library after dinner. "Harry, where have you been? You skipped all your classes. You'll be lucky if you aren't expelled!"

"Oh, hi Hermione. Load savegame: Daily."

Harry was pretty sure that he only lived through Friday four times before he found out how Snape knew what he knew and what he didn't know. "Legilimency. The bastard read my mind. Let's see, two defenses, don't make eye contact or occlumency." Harry spent his next Friday looking up occlumency. He finally found a description in a slim tome, _Pink Elephants on Parade_.

_A legilimens can only read surface thoug__h__ts. __They__ will use trigger associations to bring up the correct surface thoughts. __For instance __a blackmailer would talk about shame or secrets before he used legilimency. A truly skilled legilimens can implant the associations while he uses legilimency.__With that understanding__ it is up to the defender to control what he thinks of. The first step for any effective occlumens is to not think about pink elephants. The following exercises may be useful..._ [2]

"Occlumency is going to take some time to learn. All I have to do tomorrow, err today, is not meet his eyes. Load savegame: Daily."

Harry went down to the great hall and ate his first meal in almost a week. Keeping his eyes stuck on the desk Harry waited for Snape to come in. Snape gave his prepared speech and then, "Potter! what would I get if I added powdered root of asphodel to an infusion of wormwood?"

Examining his fingernail Harry replied, "The Draught of Living Death, sir."

"Well then if you are so smart tell me, Potter, where would you look if I told you to find me a bezoar?"

"A goat's stomach, sir."

"Look at me while I'm talking to you, Potter." Harry looked up, _Just like in _Pink Elephant's Parade._ Oh, crap now I can only think about pink elephants. _"What is the difference, Potter, between monkshood and wolfsbane?"

"They are the same plant, sir."

"Thought you could come in and teach this class? Detention and fifty points from Gryffindor, Potter."

Harry seethed for the rest of the class. Hermione tried to calm him down but he just growled at her. By the end of class his potion was thoroughly sabotaged by Malfoy which earned Harry another detention from the sneering Snape.

As soon as the class was over he went to find Professor McGonagall. "Can I talk to you, Professor?"

"I'm very busy, Mr. Potter."

"It won't take a moment, Professor. I just came to say that either Snape goes or I go."

"What!?"

"I am not staying at Hogwart's while that man is employed here, Ma'am."

**Author's Notes: I don't own Harry Potter or The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy**

**[1] Almost verbatim from The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams. This quote is the reason that I included the Hitchiker's guide in the first place. I don't like friendly goblins. **

**[2] From my reading of book 5 this is actually the way legilimency and occlumency work. There are no visual constructs or shields. Occlumency is a non-magical discipline which makes it much more difficult.**

**One of Voldemort's dreams was to teach DADA. I doubt that he would be a piss poor teacher like Quirrel. Sprout was already a badass, I just gave her a sword.**

**Snape only glanced in Harry's mind. It would take more effort to reveal Harry's secrets.**


	6. Chapter 6

Friday – September 6, 1991

Professor McGonagall just stood there looking at Harry before she all but dragged him up to Dumbledore's office. "Headmaster, there is something you need to hear."

"Oh? Surely Harry is not getting into trouble so soon in the year."

"No, Headmaster, he said that he'll leave Hogwarts unless you fire Professor Snape."

"My boy, I understand that Professor Snape can be rough around the edges at times but he is a member of the faculty and just wants the best for you. I'm sure this can all be cleared up."

"Snape-" "_Professor_ Snape, Harry." "-singled me out in class, asking only me questions then when I managed to answer correctly he insulted me and gave a detention. I'm not alone in this. I've heard horror stories about him all week. The man is a petty bully and I will not continue my education here if he remains."

"Harry, Professor Snape is under extreme stress-"

"Which he takes out on children."

"Professor Snape has my complete trust-"

"But not mine. I will send out my applications out-"

"I'm sorry but I can't allow that, Harry. I am your Wizengamot appointed guardian. Hogwarts is the safest place for you and I cannot allow you to leave."

Harry narrowed his eyes. "Load: savegame daily."

Twelve hours later Hermione once again found Harry in the library. "Harry, where have you been? You skipped all your classes. You'll be lucky if you aren't expelled!"

"Hermione, I promise you that not only will I not be expelled but I can't be expelled. What do you know about the legal right Dumbledore has?"

"What do you mean you can't be expelled? Dumbledore has every legal right to kick you out of Hogwart's. Come on, we need to go apologize to Professor McGonagall." Hermione grabbed his arm and yanked him towards the library door."

"That wasn't my question, Hermione. What legal rights does the headmaster have?"

"I don't know. I'm not a lawyer."

"Not a lawyer, no, you're a genius, Hermione. Load: savegame daily."

Harry went straight back to his dorm room. _Where was it? I think it was in 1989, summer, first digit was a two..._ Pulling out a wrinkled copy of The Quibbler he skimmed the articles. _Ah, here we go_.

_The case brought forward against Hogwart's School of Witchcraft and Wizardry and Headmaster Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore by Mr. Alan Wompus was brought forward in front of the Wizengamot today. Mr. Wompus, represented by Mr. Davis, claimed that he was molested by the giant squid in Hogwart's Lake. In his opening statement Mr. Davis cited the long history of inappropriate actions documented by the Japanese. "The fact that there is such a creature making its home next to our children is a travesty that Headmaster Dumbledore must answer for. All my client wishes for is a small reparation and the assurance that this will happen to no one else."_

_The fate of the giant squid is unknown. While there have been calls for the Department of Magical Creatures to put it down, the rarity of the squid means that it will most likely be released. We can only hope that it will be able to reacclimate to its natural habitat, nude beaches._

"Perfect. Load save 2: July 31st 1991" Harry looked around his room on #4 Privet Drive then collapsed onto the bed. It had, after all, been almost a week since he last slept.

Thursday – August 1, 1991

Early the next morning Harry took the Knight Bus to Diagon Alley. Spending the morning in Flourish and Blott's Harry finally found a guide to different magic schools in the back shoved under a biography of Cornelius Fudge. Looking through the guide Harry quickly came to a conclusion: The finest school of magic was not Hogwart's but Escola de Magia do Novo Mundo[1] in Brazil.

Asking around about Mr. Davis' law firm he was directed back out into London to Downing Street. Directly across from 10 Downing Street was a building painted a horrendous magenta that everyone seemed to ignore.

Wondering whether magic was linked to color blindness Harry went inside. A house-elf wearing a toga popped into existence in front of him. "Do youse have an appointment?"

"Hi, I'm Harry. What's your name?"

The house-elf sniffed, "Do youse have an appointment, _sir_?"

"No, I was just hoping to talk to him."

"Consultations costs fifty galleons, sir. Up front." The house-elf said with what Harry thought was a sneer.

"I don't have fifty galleons on me, but-"

"But sir will have to come back later." The house-elf snapped his fingers and Harry found himself back out on the street.

Harry went back up to Gringott's and went nervously up to a goblin. Binn's photo album had been very disturbing.

"Key," the goblin grunted.

"I don't have it. I was hoping to get a replacement."

The goblins smiled. "Certainly, just fill out these forms." He pulled out a tray then stacked four inches of parchment and three different inks on it.

Harry gulped. "You know what, I think I'll just come back later. Load savegame. Sigh First save: Thirty-First of July, 1991."

Wednesday – July 31, 1991

"Well, fre-" Dudley stopped and looked at Hagrid's sleeping form. "Harry, aren't you going to try it out."

"Dont encourage the fre- boy, Dudders."

Harry went over to the heap of trash from Hagrid's pockets and started to sort through it. A half hour later he had found three half empty- _positive thoughts, Harry, half full-_ whiskey bottles, a book on how to cross breed magical species, and a dozen assorted eggs that Harry didn't think were chicken but no key.

"Watcha lookin' for, Harry?" Hagrid said.

"Just looking for reading material." Harry held up the book, he was surprised when Hagrid went pale and grabbed it.

"Ah, you don't wanna read that, Harry. It's... boring. Yeah, it's boring." He saw the eggs next and if he was pale before now he was ghost white. He quickly scooped up the eggs and shoved him in his pockets. "Wouldn't be good if those got out. Nah, not good at all."

_Didn't he leave those here last time? Eh, couldn't be that bad. I didn't see anything on the news. Now what worked last time? _"Are there still dinosaurs?"

"Dinosaurs?"

"Big reptiles?"

"Oh, dragons. Yeah, we got them. Blimey, I always wanted one."

"Who wouldn't?"

Hagrid gave a big grin and slapped Harry on the back sending him stumbling into a wall. "That's a good lad, Harry."

They left on the flying motorcycle again. Harry once again signed autographs for half the Leaky Cauldron including Professor Quirrel who acted nothing like he did in class. Hagrid pulled him off towards Gringott's.

"Key," grunted the goblin.

Hagrid pulled out Harry's key. "Can I do that?" said Harry giving Hagrid his best puppy dog eyes.

"Of course you can, Harry." Hagrid handed Harry the key which Harry then showed to the goblin.

"Very well. Griphook will show you the way."

At vault seven-thirteen Harry tried a different tact. "Of course I know all about the you-know-what, Hagrid. I even know that you-know-who is after it for you-know-why."

"You know You-Know-Who is after the stone?" Hagrid grabbed Harry by the shoulders, "How'd ya know that, Harry?"

"I, um, didn't? I thought capitalized You-Know-Who was dead."

"Er, yeah, Harry. He's dead. You killed him you did."

Throughout the rest of the day everytime Hagrid started to bring up the key Harry distracted him by asking about vicous mythical monsters. Harry felt bad for tricking Hagrid and promised himself to make it up to Hagrid later. _Maybe a boa constrictor? __Or an alligator?_

x x x

Thursday – August 1, 1991

Early the next morning Harry woke up and made a new save, "Thinkspace," and placed all his action points into Intelligence. Then he made Hedwig a rasher of bacon. Withdrawing fifty galleons from Gringott's he made his way back to Downing Street.

"Do youse have an appointment?"

"No, I'm here for a consultation."

"Consultations costs fifty galleons, sir. Up front." Harry took out his money pouch and tossed it to the house-elf who weighed it expertly. "Very well, young sir. Master Davis will see you soon." The house-elf led him to a sitting room. In the universal nature of waiting rooms the chair were stiff and uncomfortable and the magazines were out of date. Of course they were magical publications that Harry had never seen before so he didn't mind.

After an hour of discovering the best magical hair and skin care potions were never made with eye of newt and that the States has butchered Quidditch the same way they had Rugby the house-elf reappeared. "Master will see youse now."

The office was lined with leather bound tomes, the furniture was repressed in the way that spoke of expensive antique. Harry was impressed. Mr. Davis was a portly man seated behind a large oak desk."How can I help you, Mr?"

"Potter, Harry Potter. I have a few questions about schooling, Mr. Davis."

"Tinkle, get in here. Give Mr. Potter back his fee. He doesn't need to pay for this. Please, Mr. Potter, call me **Zebulon.**"

"Thank you, just Harry then, but I am probably going to come here again."

"We can work out a retainer later. Now, what's your question about Hogwarts?"

"I've been researching different schools and I've decided that I want to attend somewhere else. The problem is that I don't have a guardian in the magical world and was hoping that you could act for me."

"Harry, with your fame I assure you that you have a wizengamot appointed guardian. Give me a day and I'll look up who it's supposed to be."

_So Dumbledore was my guardian before Hogwarts. Then why did I never see him? I could've been sleeping in the cupboard under the stairs for all he knew. _"If I do have a guardian then I've never met them and I'd like a new one."

"I'll see what I can do, Harry. Now where did you actually want to attend?"

"The Escola de Magia do Novo Mundo in Brazil. Here," Harry pulled out the school guide, "it clearly outstrips Hogwarts in every subject except Divination, which it doesn't have."

Zebulon took the proffered material and started reading through it. His eyebrows twitched while he read through it. Finally putting the book aside he looked over at Harry, "I'm going to have to look through this. Can we meet again on Monday at eleven?"

x x x

Harry had a whole new set of ideas about how to study after the longest Friday he had ever lived. He made a save in the morning studied for twelve hours then made a save in the evening and reloaded his morning save to go sightseeing. After which he just reloaded his evening save.

Saturday arrived and Dudley stuck his head into Harry's room "Hey Harry, can you come with me? Bring your books."

"Sure, I'll play D&D with you Dudley."

"What? How did you..."

"Remember the save system? It really does work. Come on, let's go."

"So, er, what else have you done with the save system?"

"This, that, the other. I've made a complete campaign based on my textbooks, I've been all over Britain and I'm trying to figure out how to get over to the continent, oh, and I'm snubbing the most powerful wizard in Britain. You know, that sounds really stupid when I say it out loud."

x x x

Monday – August 5, 1991

At eleven o'clock sharp Harry was shown into Zebulon's office. "Well Harry, I found out that your guardian is Dumbledore himself. This makes things difficult to say the least. He is a powerful man with many political connections."

"What options do I have?"

"The first step would be that you sign a statement saying that you've never met him before and request a new guardian. Unfortunately since you already signed up for Hogwarts he can argue that you legally accepted him as your guardian."

"I never agreed to go to Hogwarts."

"The Daily Prophet just ran a front page article about you going to Hogwarts. You went shopping with the groundskeeper."

"Hagrid showed up, gave me my letter, and took me shopping but I never agreed to go to Hogwarts."

"Did your muggle guardians agree?"

Harry couldn't stop himself from laughing. "My Uncle Vernon said, and I quote, 'If you think that I am going to pay so some crackpot geezer can teach that boy to play games then you have another thing coming'."

"We seem to have a case then. Just sign this with the green ink."

x x x

The next week passed smoothly. Harry sent off his application to Escola de Magia do Novo Mundo and studied. When wasn't studying practiced not thinking about things according to his copy of _Pink Elephant's on Parade_. On his loops off he had already found that the Knight Bus didn't go to the continent and the Chunnel wouldn't let him travel alone due to his age. A trip to Diagon Alley and an aging potion took care of that. Of course then he had to buy a completely new wardrobe for his older self but all of that was time well spent. He looked cool. After he was arrested for publicly carrying a weapon he decided that he would tone down his coolness by leaving the bullwhip at home.

The magical quarter of Paris was a lot larger and cleaner than Diagon Alley. Harry loved it going so far to buy a universal translation spell putting him back a week of studying.

One week after signing Davis' affidavit there was a knock on the door.

Harry blinked. Why had he come downstairs? Shrugging he went back to his room and continued studying the difference between slicing, chopping, and crushing potion ingredients. Reloading the day he spent the morning planning his next visit to Paris when he heard a knock at the door. _Huh. That's odd. No one came today yesterday._

Harry blinked. Why had he come downstairs? He went back up stairs to plan his trip and saw SNAPE written on his left hand. The next morning Harry bought Reparo, fixed Dudley's video camera and hid it in the living room.

A little past nine someone knocked on the door. He went to answer and found Snape and Dumbledore on the front step. Snape was wearing a faded suit and could have fit in perfectly well among muggles. Dumbledore, however, was wearing a floral shirt, khaki shorts, flip-flops, and a straw hat. It looked like he was vacationing in the Caribbean. _Pink elephants. Pink elephants. Pink elephants. _"Can I help you?"

"Hello my boy, can we come in?" said Dumbledore.

"Absolutely not. If you want to talk to my guardians you can come back later. They're busy right now."

"Oh, no. We came to talk to you, Harry."

Harry promptly shut the door. Suppressing a snicker he said, "How do you know my name?"

"I'm Professor Dumbledore, Headmaster of Hogwarts, Harry. I believe there has been a misunderstanding. May we please come in?"

"Mr. Dumbledore, this is the first time I have laid eyes on you. I have every right to request a new guardian." Harry heard, "Arrogant brat, just like his father." and a shushing noise from Dumbledore. Then two pops behind Harry. Harry turned around to find Dumbledore and Snape standing behind him. "That's just rude. Get out and I will be telling my solicitor about this."

"I don't have time for this." Snape yanked out his wand and pointed it at Harry, "_Stupefy." _A red bolt shot out of Snape's wand toward Harry. As it neared Harry it slowed down, then stopped and reversed itself striking Snape.

"Hmm, nice to see the wards are working properly. It might have been a mistake to bring him." Leaving Snape on the carpet Dumbledore took a seat on the couch. Popping a lemon drop in his mouth he said, "Now please, Harry, you must come to Hogwarts."

"Go to Hogwarts? You just tried to kidnap me. Get out."

"Harry, Hogwarts is the safest place in the magical world. I didn't want to tell you this until you were older but I believe that Voldemort is still alive."

"You. Just. Tried. To. Kidnap. Me. Get. Out." Harry edged around to the kitchen.

"We did get off on the wrong foot, didn't we. I'll try again later." Faster than Harry could see Dumbledore raised his wand, "_Obliviate_."

Harry finished watching the movie. _I've got you, you bastard. _Harry promptly took the Knight Bus down to Downings Street. Waving the cassette triumphantly at Zebulon Harry said, "I've got proof the bastard obliviated me."

Harry was brought back down to Earth when he had to explain what a video cassette was and then what a television was. Finally Harry just invited Zebulon back to Privet Drive to watch the video. This led to another discussion because Zebulon couldn't just apparate blindly and he refused to take the Knight Bus. They settled on taking Zebulon's car. Harry was surprised Zebulon had a car but Zebulon just said that the arrogant muggle across the street had one so why shouldn't he?

Harry promptly regretted the decision when he found out that Tinkle would be driving. Tinkle spent as much time on the pavement as he did the road, swerving between pedestrians, squeezing between cars, and drifting around corners. Zebulon didn't seem to notice so Harry had to settle for hunkering down and muttering "it's magic" over and over.

They arrived at #4 Privet Drive in what Harry was sure was a land speed record. Harry explained to Aunt Petunia that his companion was a lawyer and they were quickly left alone. After showing the movie Zebulon sighed, "His actions are deplorable but there just isn't any proof, Harry."

"What do you call that?" Harry pointed at the television.

"The ministry is in a high magic area. Muggle electronics won't work so we can't show the tape in court. Even if we did the court would never accept testimony from a muggle device. However, you shouldn't stay here either. I'm willing to offer my own home."

Harry had no logical reason not to accept but he rejected the thought of tying himself down for the rest of the summer. "Load savegame: Daily." _I can't use a videotape as evidence, __the more __I relive the __attack the more likely something will go wrong, and there's no telling what they'll try next__. I should just vamoose._

Harry packed, left a note on the fridge and called the Knight Bus. The muggle world wouldn't allow him to get a hotel room without an I.D, there was no way he would live in the Leaky Cauldron, that left the French magic quarter.

After a week of studying and relaxation he received an owl from Zebulon telling him to arrive at the Ministry of Magic on the morrow. Harry's day in court had arrived.

Arriving at Zebulon's office they flooed. A quick cleaning charm on Harry got rid of the massive amount of ash he had managed to pick up and they headed off to the courtroom. It was a lot smaller than Harry expected. Barely larger than an office it had three desks. Behind the first desk sat a clearly disgruntled judge, behind the second desk sat Dumbledore in formal black robes. Zebulon and Harry sat behind the third desk.

"You honor, I move to dismiss this entire case," said Dumbledore and with that the games were off. Dumbledore knew his law but he was obviously outmatched by Zebulon. They verbally sparred for a quarter of an hour before the judge had enough and told them to shut up. "I see here that Harry Potter is himself requesting a new guardian. Why is that Mr. Potter?"

"Um, well, your Honor, I have never seen Mr. Dumbledore before today. If I am to be represented in the wizarding world I want to be represented by someone who could have visited me at least once in the decade I've been living with my relatives. As it stands I cannot believe that Mr. Dumbledore has my best interests at heart."

"Anything you'd like to say to that, Albus?"

"Your honor, of course I have Harry's best interests at heart. To suggest anything else would be preposterous. I had reasons that I could not visit. It was for Harry's safety."

"Albus, you left the boy living with his _muggle _relatives. Are you saying that he was safer living with muggles than with you? The law is on their side and for once I agree with it. Mr. Davis, you are now the Wizengamot appointed guardian of Mr. Potter. Don't screw this up."

A week later Harry showed up at the airport to find Zebulon and a very angry Tracey. "You bastard. I'm not going to Hogwarts because of you."

"Tracey, manners. I was surprised to see how much better the Escola was and I only want the best for my little princess."

Harry winced, "Sorry. I didn't mean for that to happen."

"All my friends are going to Hogwarts and I have to go all the way across the planet thanks to you. I don't even speak the language."

"I can help you with that. There is a universal translation spell. It takes a big chunk of points but it works really well. And if you want I'll be your friend."

"We'll see." She flounced away to the boarding area. _Huh. That's what flouncing looks like. I always wondered. __I miss Hermione..._

**Author's Notes: I don't own Harry Potter.**

**[1] Escola de Magia do Novo Mundois from Clells65619's_ The Board._**

**For those who don't know 10 Downing Street is where the British Prime Minister lives, like 1600 Pennsylvania Ave in the U.S. In other words Zebulon Davis has some posh digs. Zebulon was apparently a common name in the 1800s and I just like saying it. Slytherins make the best lawyers of course.**

**I should have put the dates in earlier, now I'm going have to go back and do it for all the previous chapters.**

**The save system allows Harry to act with little to no consequences which means that he doesn't need to moderates his actions. He doesn't need to compromise with Dumbledore. With that said, this is not a Harry goes to another school and everything is fixed story. Harry is just taking a detour. A rather long detour.**

**It's hard to write a non-manipulative Dumbledore. He's a man that knows what he wants and has the power to get it that combined with all his screw-ups really does make him look manipulative.**

**This was a slow chapter but I promise that the next time Harry relives day one it will be epic. At least he learned the most powerful spell in Harry Potter Fanfic: summon lawyer.**

**Do I put in too many game elements? Not enough?**


	7. Chapter 7

The Escola de Magia do Novo Mundo was in a post-post-post modern building. The architect, one Bergholt Stuttley Johnson [1], had used magic to make a skyscraper into a devil's tuning fork. Harry tried to follow the lines of the building but it just made him dizzy.

The classes were similar to what Hogwarts offered. There were some differences: They used machetes and hammers in herbology rather than swords and maces, Astronomy seemed to be current, the DADA class was non-existent instead there were two classes, one about magical creatures and one about dueling, and the potions professor was genuinely pleasant, though he still had greasy hair. Harry asked about it after class and found it was a common problem among brewers.

The only class that had no analogue at Hogwarts was Personal Optimization, or as it was commonly known Munchkinery 101. It was taught by a mousy witch, Eskarina Smith [2], who according to rumors could wipe the floor with Dumbledore.

Harry was amazed at the amount of math they had to learn, it was explained that by the end of third year they would have to have mastered trigonometry to pass, by the end of fifth year multivariable calculus and seventh year would use linear algebra.

For the first class they just went over all the possible builds that were available and the class' current character sheets. Harry had ignored the perks previously but he realized that was a huge mistake. The perks were insanely useful, Silent Casting, Metamorphmagi, Eidetic Memory, Harry wanted them all. However it would take years to get enough action points.

Professor Smith was happily surprised that Harry already had four perks. She didn't know what The Potter Family Curse was but said it probably had a minor effect on appearance, all the older families had small, insignificant curses or blessings. She promised to look up A Mother's Love and warned him about Parseltongue, "There is nothing wrong with the perk. Talking to snakes can be a very useful ability. But there is a lot of distrust over this particular perk. I would suggest that you keep it quiet." When she saw Natural Flyer she signed Harry up for Quodpot.

Quodpot was an insane version of Hot Potato and football played on brooms. Harry's willingness to put himself in harm's way and his skill on a broom quickly led to a spot on the varsity team. There was an actual Quodpot league with every school in North and South America fielding a team.

Thursday – September 5, 1991

_Nothing rhymes with orange. Daddy says that since you are at school I won't be able to interview you in person so I should send a list of questions. What colors are you ambivalent about? Which would you choose to fight: 100 duck sized horses or 1 horse sized duck? Do you wear boxers or briefs? Are you interested in cute blondes and if not why?_

_Your Intrepid, Bombshell, Ace Reporter_

_Luna Lovegood_

Harry looked at the letter in confusion. _That's odd. She knew about Hagrid, and she remembers the letter I sent her but she waited to send her letter so it matched up to my time in Hogwarts?_

Harry went through the day only half paying attention in class trying to puzzle out Luna Lovegood. He finally decided that she was remembering all the playthroughs in parallel. Harry tried to imagine what that would be like and only got a massive headache for his troubles.

Harry felt a bit of warmth in his chest. One person wouldn't forget him every time he loaded a game.

_I enjoy the Quibbler immensely. I am attending the Escola de Magia do Novo Mundo, if I can do anything to further the noble ideals in the Quibbler here in South America please let me know._

_I am ambivalent about blue, red, and some shades of green. If I fought 100 duck sized horses I could domesticate them. I would have to imagine that duck sized horses would be very popular. I wear boxers. I am always interested in a cute blonde._

_Harry_

In her next letter Luna made him promise to keep an eye out for the Crumple-Horned Snorkack. Harry agreed but then had to ask what one looked like. All Luna could tell him was that the Crumple-Horned Snorkak had a crumpled horn and could look in two directions at once. Harry looked in the Escola de Magia's library but couldn't find anything that matched her description.

Luna was disappointed but at least Harry's interviews were selling enough papers to pay for her and her father to go on a hunting expedition.

Harry and Tracey quickly separated. Harry was busy between classes and Quodpot practice and Tracey quickly made friends. It took a few months but she did forgive Harry in the end.

The school year ended with Harry's Quodpot team narrowly beaten out of the championship. Harry wasn't too disappointed, as an eleven year old playing on the school's varsity team he gained a small amount of fame and respect. Fame and respect that he knew Harry Potter had earned, not the Boy-Who-Lived.

Professor Smith came to find him before he left, A Mother's Love wasn't in any reference she could find and she hoped to start a research project the next year. Harry agreed after she bribed him with school credit.

Harry went back to Privet drive happy and content. The world was his oyster and he knew how to crack it open.

x x x

Saturday – July13, 1991

Harry's door crashed open. Ropes shot out and tied up Harry. "Hello, Harry." A young, dashing, black clad figure strode into the room.

"Who-"

"Lord Voldemort, Harry. I must say that I am disappointed. I expected something more from Boy-Who-Lived."

"I hate that name."

"I'd have to say that I hate it more than you, Harry. Let's see if we can pick a new one."

"How- how'd you come back?"

"That fool Dumbledore provided the way. He kept the Philosopher's Stone at Hogwart's in an infantile attempt to trap me. ME! The greatest sorcerer in the world!" Voldemort flicked his wand and Harry found himself suspended upside down in midair. "I made his death quick. Cooperate with me and I will do the same for you."

"Load savegame: Daily."

Harry's door crashed open. Ropes shot out and tied up Harry. "Hello, Harry." A black clad figure strode into the room. "I said, hello Harry." He kicked the tied up form. "What, a mannequin?" Voldemort sniffed the air, "Mustard gas? Were you expecting me, Harry? Show yourself, boy."

"Load savegame: Daily."

Harry's door crashed open. Voldemort strode into the empty room. "Malfoy, your arm." Lucius Malfoy proffered his arm to Voldemort. Placing his wand on Malfoy's Dark Mark he hissed, "The boy is missing. Find him."

Harry had once again vamoosed off to the french magical quarter. He never made it that far. Magical France had closed their borders and took him into custody as soon as he stepped off the train. His aging potion wore off after an hour of questioning which led to another round of questioning.

The holding cells were comfortable and over the course of the next few days they brought him news of what was going on in England. It was confirmed that Voldemort had returned and the Ministry of Magic had collapsed. A week after his arrival he was turned over to Voldemort for the promise of neutrality.

"Load savegame: Daily."

Harry's door crashed open. "_Incendio_." Harry fired the cannon he had spent a week designing and three hours transfiguring. There was a gut shaking boom, Harry looked up to see the mess that used to be Riddle- _he caught the bloody cannonball!_ "How did-"

"_Crucio_. I am far beyond your understanding." With a wave of his wand Harry was once again tied up and suspended upside down. "Tell me, how did you expect me?"

"I'll talk," Harry croaked, "Load: savegame Daily." _There's no way to beat him. What am I going to do? I need more time. _"Load: savegame Thinkspace."

Monday – August 1, 1991

_What do I know? He was revived with the Philosopher's Stone. Dumbledore had the Philosopher's Stone. _Harry started pacing around his room. _Hagrid said he was after what ever it was in vault seven thirteen. Ergo the Philosopher's Stone is in vault seven thirteen. Hagrid's a half-giant and his coat is probably enchanted __up one side and down the other.__ Once Hagrid has it there is no way I'm going to be able to steal it. Wait... do I really want to steal it? Dumbledore obviously can't protect it so I don't think I have a choice. __Besides, it's the bloody Philosopher's Stone, __of course I want to steal it__. __So happy that I'm in the moral clear; n__ow how do I __rob a bank__ with no wand?_

**Author's Notes: I don't own Harry Potter.**

**[1] Bergholt Stuttley Johnson, better known as Bloody Stupid Johnson is a resident of the Discworld well known for his impossble creations. He is, of course, the creation of Terry Pratchett.**

**[2] Eskarina Smith is from _Equal Rites_ by Terry Pratchett**

**I promised an epic reliving of day one and I hope that the next chapter will not disappoint.**


	8. Chapter 8

Wednesday – July 31, 1991

"Well, fre-" Dudley stopped and looked at Hagrid's sleeping form. "Harry, aren't you going to try it out."

Harry ignored Dudley and sorted through Hagrid's pile of crud until he found the whiskey which he tossed into the fire for the pleasing pyrotechnics, and the book and eggs which he hid in his pockets.

Waking up Hagrid he again had a conversation about dragons and dinosaurs feeling like a complete wanker while he did it.

At the Leaky Cauldron Harry announced a privy emergency. There was a rucksack waiting for him in there. _It finally worked. _Walking out Harry found Hagrid guarding the door. "Ready to go- hey where'd you get the bag?"

"I brought it with us. Don't you remember?"

"Nah, I guess I don't. Alright Harry, now remember to be polite to the goblins. You don't want to go messing with the goblins."

At Gringott's Harry once again asked for and received his key. They went down to his vault and he loaded up on slightly more gold than would be required for his school books. He very carefully hid from Hagrid the dropping off of half a dozen eggs that probably were not chicken and a silk pouch.

Exiting his vault Harry nervously adjusted his bag. The cart ride to vault seven hundred and thirteen was as exhilarating as it had always been. Harry turned right past the twelfth torch and... there! There was a dragon chained to a pillar. The cart buzzed past and the dragon was gone.

Finally arriving at vault seven hundred and thirteen Harry rubbed Hagrid's back while Griphook stood back muttering about time wasters. Hagrid nodded that he was ready and Griphook stroked the door causing it to melt away. Hagrid roared, "What's this then? Where's the stone?" All three of them ran into the vault. As Harry ran in he reached up under his shirt and twisted his new necklace around one time.

Harry saw only blackness. Carefully he reached into his bag and felt around for his box of matches and candle clock. He lit the candle and propped it up in his now empty shoe. From the rucksack he removed a silk bag and carefully lifted up the grubby little package in vault seven thirteen and dropped it into his silk bag. Moving some of his money from the rucksack to his pockets he glanced at the candle. He quickly took out his writing materials. He had exactly fifty-three minutes to write a score of angry letters.

He had put a lot of thought into this and could now recite thirty-one synonyms for poo, for those letters to be directed to Minister Fudge, and twenty-three for toad, for those letters to be delivered to Undersecretary Umbridge.

Fifty-five minutes after entering the vault Harry shoved the letters into his pockets and shoved all evidence that someone had been there into his bag. He went and stood silently flat against the wall that held the door. Exactly an hour after Harry entered the vault the door opened and Harry heard, "What's this then? Where's the stone?" The three of them rushed in and one of them disappeared. Harry pushed off the wall. "What stone? What happened, Hagrid?"

"Never yeh mind that, Harry. I've got to go tell Dumbledore. I can't leave yeh alone, Harry." Hagrid rushed Harry out of Gringott's. Unfortunately Hagrid lost sight of Harry in the crowd. Harry dropped his bag and reached up tweaking his time turner back two hours.

He went off shopping first buying his rucksack and a cheap black robe and pointed hat from a pawn shop. Then he went off to the stationary store, the Leaky Cauldron, and a muggle grocery store for materials.

Taking the magical phone booth down to the ministry one very short Stubby Boardman pinned his name tag on his robes and walked into the ministry. The ministry was in chaos. Foam covered everything, nothing could be heard over a score of howlers, and the fountain of magical cooperation was surrounded by wizards and witches throwing curses into it. Harry calmly walked around the mess, past the empty desk, and into the elevator.

The elevator opened to an empty round room. Harry stepped out and the walls to the room spun around. It was impossible to tell which blank black door was what blank door, unless of course some one had seen this fifty times before. Perfectly blank doors worked only if the janitorial staff did a perfect job of cleaning. Harry yawned and walked through the door second from his left into a room with clocks gleaming on every wall. The entire room was ticking in perfect synchronicity. Not for the first time it reminded Harry of being in a gigantic heart. Harry quickly ran over to a glass fronted cabinet. Taking the time turner from his neck he exchanged it with one on the bottom. He left the Department of Mysteries at a brisk walk and turned his new time turner back two hours.

Taking the howlers shoved into his pockets he folded them into paper airplanes and instructed them to arrive in the atrium in two hour's time. The next part he had always failed at before an older Stubby Boardman had bought donuts for the maintenance crew. Taking the back passages Harry poured cornstarch into the supply for the fountain.

The only thing remaining was to prepare the toast. Harry carefully taped a Mentos to the inside of each container of Peachtree Fizzing Tea he had bought at the three broomsticks. He waited in a maintenance passageway cursing his lack of a pocket watch. When the fat wizard wearing a cardigan walked past he tensed and then kicked the containers into the atrium as a tall wizard limped past. The containers skidded into the atrium spraying foam everywhere. The Howlers flew into the atrium and started loudly complaining about the minister and his undersecretary and the fountain started to dance. The water had turned off white and as the howlers shook the atrium the water rose and fell forming into undulating forms. The workers who arrived on scene concentrated fire on the cornstarch monster sending streams of color into the fountain.

Harry flicked his time turner one last time and went to the Leaky Cauldron for a privy break. Losing his rucksack and timeturner whilst in there.

He watched young Harry and Hagrid go into the Gringott's and thirty minutes later young Harry and Hagrid run out of Gringott's. The crowds separated young Harry and Hagrid for an instant and old Harry shrugged out of his robe and hat, stepped forward to catch the still falling rucksack and walked into the Leaky Cauldron with Hagrid.

Harry had planned the heist for months. For the first month he hadn't made any progress except in occlumency. He could now think of nothing for hours at a time.

Nothing worked until he ran across an offhand reference by Miranda Goshawk in Witch Weekly where she said that the only way she was able to keep up with her heavy course load as a student was with a time turner. A little more research and Harry was stunned that one of the most powerful and dangerous magical devices were being handed out to children.

Frequent scouting operations on the ministry had yielded a plan that Harry had to admit was more destructive than necessary. Of course it was the same ministry that had taken down Hagrid and it was the same ministry with connections to both Lucius Malfoy and Albus Dumbledore. Harry only regretted that Zonko's in a fit of responsibility wouldn't sell a first year dungbombs without his parents present and there wasn't enough time for an aging potion to wear off.

Now, finally, after three equivalent months of work the stone was in his vault along with Hagrid's eggs. _Alright_, Harry admitted, _that last bit could be pretty stupid. But I'm curious dammit_.

Harry exited the floo into Dumbledore's office. It was a large office but it shouldn't have fit Hagrid, yet it did. Harry didn't notice any expansion or shrinking charms, Hagrid just looked normal in a perfectly normal office. Harry was actually impressed.

"Professor Dumbledore, it's horrible. The stone, it's gone."

"Gone? I sent you too late." Dumbledore gave a weary sigh and rubbed his forehead. "Hagrid-" He saw Harry, "ah, this would be young Harry wouldn't it. There is nothing to worry about, Harry. It's just a school matter that I must attend to. Professor McGonagall will return you to your home, I must speak with Hagrid."

Professor McGonagall took Harry through the floo into the home of the batty cat lady, Mrs Figg. When he asked why Mrs. Figg had never told him that she was a witch McGonagall told him to never mind that. Dropping Harry off at #4 Privet Drive she promised to take him shopping for his school supplies the next day.

Harry was grateful for that. With no wand he couldn't call the Knight Bus and with no Hedwig he couldn't save. For the first time since the demon bird had coughed out a cabinet Harry felt exposed. _I'm going to cook Hedwig so much bacon she'll have to waddle._

The next day Professor McGonagall did show up like she promised. Walking to Mrs. Figg's Harry noticed a bandy legged man in an old overcoat smoking a cigar and watching them. When he tried to point him out to McGonagall she just told him to never mind that. The shopping was uneventful, even Ollivander didn't give his usual spooky speech with McGonagall glaring at him, until Harry went to buy Hedwig. Harry was shocked at how much Hedwig cost and resolved to do everything he could to make things up to Hagrid. McGonagall refused to let him buy such an expensive familiar. Harry had to forcefully remind her that they were not in Hogwarts and Harry did not yet attend said school. Harry left Diagon alley with a very pretty owl and a pretty angry professor.

Another dizzying soot filled ride back to Privet Drive left Harry and Hedwig disgruntled. The hobo was gone but the stench of a cigar still hung around the air. Harry said goodbye to Professor McGonagall and set to unpacking. The hobo still bothered him. He had never seen that man before and he had relived this week a dozen times. The only thing different was the stone and Dumbledore...

_I'm being spied on. Does Dumbledore suspect that I stole the stone or is he trying to protect me from Voldemort? Considering what Voldemort is capable of if he was serious about protecting me he would have surrounded me with an army of aurors, not one shaggy looking bum. So he does suspect me but he doesn't have any proof._

_How am I going to save if they're spying on me? More importantly how am I going to get to Zebulon?_

The next morning Harry tried to walk off the property to catch a muggle bus. "Where do you think you're going, Harry?" Harry turned and saw a floating face. It wasn't the hobo. Just an old man whose body seems to have disappeared.

"Out. Who're you?"

"Elphias Doge. Dumbledore asked me to be here for your protection. I need you to stay here, it's not safe for you outside."

_Might as well try my luck_. "Why isn't it safe?"

"Dumbledore said you weren't to worry about that. I have to reckon he knows what he's doing. Go on back inside."

"I don't know you. You refuse to tell me what is going on. I'm going to go catch the bus."

"Potter, we can do this the hard way or the easy way. Now go back inside."

"Up yours, geezer" Harry took a breath and stepped away. "_Stupefy_."

Harry smiled and turned around. _What do you know. The wards do still work. I wonder how Riddle got around them?_

Harry looked around for more watchers then kicked himself. _They'd be invisible wouldn't they. You know, if I tried to take his wand then they'd to stop me. _Harry felt around until he found Doge's unconscious form. He quickly removed the invisibility cloak and wand. When no one showed up Harry reluctantly covered him with the cloak and chucked the wand into the bushes. _Next time I'm keeping the cloak._

Harry ran back to his room and made a new save, "Brand New Day," and then took the Knight Bus to Diagon Alley. He grabbed a copy of the Daily Prophet that talked about the break-in for his yet to be assembled scrap book and the almost hidden school guidebook.

At Downing Street it was the work of a moment to convince Zebulon that he wanted to attend the Eyre Institute of Sorcery in New Zealand. "It's almost as good a Escola de Magia do Novo Mundo without any of the cultural or lingual conflicts." In truth Harry just didn't want to relive a year at the same school.

"... and can you look into why a wizard tried to stun me was outside my home this morning?"

"You were attacked! Why didn't you start with that?"

"He wasn't very bright. Ended up knocking himself out. Said his name was Elphias Doge and he was there on Dumbledore's orders."

"Dumbledore eh? I always enjoy taking him down a peg or two." Rummaging around his desk he pulled out a mirror. "Here, it's a two a mirror. If anything happens and you can't come here just contact me through the mirror."

Harry returned to #4 Privet Drive to find Professor Dumbledore in the living room being served tea by a nervous Aunt Petunia. "Ah, Harry, we've been worried about you. Mr. Doge was placed here for your protection and it is vital that you do as he says."

"Why? What do I need protection from?"

"I wanted to wait until you were older but the man who gave you that scar and killed your parents is still alive, Harry. The wards in this house protect you."

"If the wards protect me why do I need someone to watch me? And why now? I've been here a decade."

"Recent information has led me to believe that he is very close. The guards are just there until you're safe at Hogwarts."

_Hogwarts? __We'll see about that. _"Either I'm safe here or I'm not. A single guard who managed to knock himself out is not going to protect me. The only thing that Mr. Doge did was attempt to keep me locked up in this house."

"I see that we are getting off to a bad start. I'm sorry for Mr. Doge's actions. I ask that you stay in this house but I am not going to enforce it. Good-bye, Harry." With a twinkle in his eyes and a spring in his step Dumbledore walked out of #4 Privet Drive.

_He might actually be trying to defend me. Doesn't change anything, but it's a nice thought._ Harry spent the next week watching his watchers. Most of them kept under an invisibility cloak but the hobo took his off whenever he wanted a smoke. That provided the perfect time for Harry to save. He fell into the same routine that he had the last summer that was this summer. Study for twelve hours, save when the hobo was on watch, then reload and skive off around Britain or the continent.

Studying magic in a reload was strange. Everything was on the tip of his tongue but he couldn't remember any magic until he reread it. The other subjects were easier. He still remembered all the math from Personal Optimization and how to fill out a basic set of paperwork. His stats had been a pleasant surprise. His heist had yielded more action points than an entire year of Quodpot had. If he kept it up he would be able to buy Silent Cast by the end of the year.

After a week Harry decided it was time to disappear. The paranoia was beginning to get to him. Even on his little holidays he found himself looking around for his watchers. There was no telling when Dumbledore would find out that he wasn't going to Hogwarts and Harry didn't want to risk another obliviation.

Harry once again ducked his watchers, checked in with Zebulon and took the Chunnel to France. They might have turned him over to Riddle but nobody could make a croissant like the French.

The Hagrid's eggs hatched two weeks after arriving in France and Harry had to admit that he had made a mistake. The building burned down around him as pyrotechnic pixies swarmed though the room. Harry reloaded and carefully dropped all the eggs into a Forever Ware [1] container that promised to keep anything perfectly fresh.

At his guardianship trial Harry noticed that Dumbledore had an extremely haggard look about him. He actually looked surprised to see Harry. _Did he think he I was dead? If Riddle was alive that would be accurate... Dang, I don't think he deserved that._

The trial was a short affair. Dumbledore could barely put up a fight as Zebulon nailed his coffin shut. The fact that Dumbledore had met Harry and not told him that he was his guardian and Doge's stunner were the final nails. Harry even received reparations from the judge.

A week later Harry was on a plane to New Zealand with a very angry Tracey Davis.

**Author's Notes: I don't own Harry Potter.**

**[1] Forever Ware is from Eerie, Indiana**

**Cornstarch mixed with water acts as a non-Newtonian fluid and the howlers acted as the subwoofer (look it up on youtube if you haven't seen it before), the Peachtree Fizzing Tea and Mentos were just a magical variation of the Diet Coke and Mentos (again, youtube if you've never seen it before).**

**Before anyone complains, Harry had to leave the time turner behind or it wouldn't be the perfect crime.**

**Please comment on this chapter. Time travel is hard to do without giving everything away in the beginning and it is quite possible that I left a plot hole somewhere.**


	9. Chapter 9

There was no Australian Ministry of Magic. Australia was a war zone. Cross-breeding experiments during the 1800s had resulted in the creation of drop bears. The drop bears had quickly overcome their creator (Harry checked, there was no relation to Hagrid) and escaped into the environment.

The wizarding world was forced to evacuate Australia. As they left they cast illusions of deserts to deter muggle exploration of the infected areas. Only slim areas on the coasts were still habitable and that only because of intensive action from a small army of wizards. The entire continent was on lock down. Every neighboring island had a team of wizards making sure that no drop bears managed to migrate.

The Australian wizards had emigrated to New Zealand. This had resulted in the highest concentration of wizards in the world. The high population and a still active dwarven mine resulted in a vibrant economy that put England to shame.

The Eyre Institute of Sorcery was in a sprawling campus. It was a sign of how long Harry had been in the wizarding world that he found it strange that there were no animated trees, wandering ghosts, or impossible architecture.

Classes were structured the same as the Escola de Magia do Novo Mundo with a heavy emphasis on combating magical creatures. The Institute was responsible for protecting the shores of New Zealand and New Caledonia. Students took turns in patrols starting in second year under the watchful eye of an instructor. Drop bears regularly washed up and even half drowned they could put up a vicious fight.

There Institute didn't have a Quodpot team and Harry took a strong dislike of Quidditch. The entire game depended on one player's luck and there were no explosions. The Eyre Institute did, however, have a broom racing team. With his small size and weight Harry was an instant star.

The year passed quickly. He managed to talk the Personal Optimization professor, Ponder Stibbons, into researching A Mother's Love. Harry would have been more reluctant if he had known that his role was to stand in a circle for hours at a time. The only findings on it were that it was some sort of protection but at the end of Stibbons' hundred page thesis he admitted that he didn't know how to get it or what it protected Harry from.

On Christmas Harry was surprised to receive a gift from Dumbledore. An invisibility cloak that used to belong to his father and a note apologizing for what had happened over the previous summer.

Over the next summer he had an awkward conversation with Dumbledore begging him to come Hogwarts. He spent the rest of the summer avoiding anywhere that Dumbledore could find him. He left England to visit the Swiss chocolatiers, French chefs, and the German brewers.

Second year was eventful. After the training received in first year the students were expected to help in the drop bear elimination squads. They were nasty beasts but still well within a team of second years' capabilities.

When Harry returned for the summer he found a very somber wizarding world awaiting him. The red headed kid's (John?) sister had been killed while in Hogwarts. Hagrid had been arrested but then let go when it came out that there was no evidence or even suspicion of wrong doing on his part. He still lost his job at Hogwarts and spent three months in Azkaban without compensation.

Harry had Zebulon track him down. Over tea and rock cakes Harry extended the job offer he had wrangled out of the South Pacific Ministry of Magic. A trained half-giant could defend an entire island from drop bears by himself. When Harry explained that there experiments using dragons to control the drop bear population Hagrid cried with joy.

Dumbledore seemed to be too busy trying to keep his job to bother Harry so Harry just stayed at Privet Drive for the first week. He had acquired every document he could on the Philosopher's Stone and had to sort through them for any clue on how to make the elixir of life. The only thing that all of the manuscripts agreed on was that water was used somewhere in the elixir's creation.

Harry's door crashed open. Ropes shot out of the darkness and bound Harry. A young figure in black strode in. _Not this again._ "Who-"

"I'm Lord Voldemort, Harry."

"No, you're not."

"What?!"

"You have a pimple. A zit. A-"

"_Crucio_. _Crucio. Crucio._ What. Is. Your. Point?"

"Well, the last time I saw Voldemort he was handsome. I mean perfect, male model handsome. You're just a teenager. Look, I can see that we got off the on the wrong foot so let's just try this again. Load save: Daily."

Harry's door crashed open. Ropes shot out of the darkness and bound Harry. A young figure in black strode in. "Oh woe is me. I have been captured. It is you! Lord Voldemort. However did you return from the grave?"

"Foolish boy. Did you not think I would have safeguards in place? I am immortal."

"Not very helpful. Load save: Daily."

Harry's door crashed open. Ropes shot out of the darkness and bound Harry. A young figure in black strode in. "Oh woe is me. I have been captured. It is you! Lord Voldemort. However did you bring down the wards on this humble abode?"

"I killed your family, Harry. Without their blood your wards are useless."

"Thanks. Load save: Daily."

Harry followed the Dursleys to the movie theater under his invisibility cloak. As the exited the theater a form appeared out of the shadows. There was a green flash and- "Load save: Daily."

As the Dursleys exited the theater a form stepped out of the shadows. Riddle raised his wand and a piano fell on his head. _Definitely worth the effort of lugging that thing up here, _Harry thought looking down at the crushed form. This Riddle seemed to lack the upper body strength and reflexes of his predecessor.

The next year was quiet. Harry was put in charge of a drop bear extermination team. Now an internationally ranked racer Harry spent the year traveling the world. He had even been offered endorsements from a half dozen companies including a bidding war between Comet Trading Company and the Cleansweep Broom Company.

The summer of his third year started with a nasty shock. Zebulon called and arranged a meeting in his Downing Street office. "You need to be present for a will reading. Sirius Black died in an assault on Hogwarts. You are listed as one of his beneficiaries. His only living, legal beneficiary."

"Legal beneficiary?"

"There is one other still living but since Remus Lupin killed Black he is not entitled to any of the inheritance."

"Sirius Black. Betrayed-my-parents, rotting-in-Azkaban Sirius Black left me something."

"Yes. He was the heir to a Most Ancient and Noble House and it would have certain repercussions if you did not attend."

"Fine. But I want everything I get from the bastard to go to the man who killed him."

The reading was held in a small office in the Ministry of Magic. The Fountain of Magical Cooperation was still the speciest piece of shite it had been in his last visit. Harry spent the time waiting for the will reading fantasizing about how he could destroy it.

The clerk, a red head Harry barely remembered from his time at Hogwarts, read through the will in a monotone. "I, Sirius Black, being of sound mind and body do declare that upon my death all my possessions will be split evenly between Remus Lupin, Peter Pettigrew, and James Potter with the exception of 1,000 Galleons to be placed into a trust fund for Harry Potter.

"Signed Sirius Black, dated February 17, 1981.

"There is an additional letter in here if you would like me to read it?" Harry nodded. "Very well:

"I suppose I've bit the bullet, kicked the bucket, am pushing up the daisies or whatever cute little euphemisms you want to use. James, you were a brother to me and as much as I want to see you you have a wife and a kid now. You had better live to see the end of the war. If I see you up here anytime soon I will tan your hide. Peter, there is no man I would rather stand beside. Remus, I have met men with a lot more achieve nothing. Hell, that describes my entire family. But I have never met a wizard who did so much with so little.

"Raise a glass in remembrance and pinch the waitress on the way out. Mischief managed. Signed Sirius Black."

The clerk left Zebulon and Harry alone in the office. Harry turned to Zebulon, "That did not sound like the will of a traitor. I want to know exactly what happened. Cost is no problem."

The will reading upset Harry so much that he had no choice but to leave for Italy with its fine food and friendly Veela colonies. Everyday for the rest of the summer Harry gave praise to **Philomena** Teaque, the inventor of the aging potion.

Harry had finally found the key to the elixir of life in old episodes of MASH. Harry looked at Hawkeye's still and thought he had tried just about everything else. An assembly of tubing and pipes straight out of The Hitchhiker's Guide and Harry had a multipurpose still, either pickling or revitalizing.

The nearby muggle hospital supplied the perfect test ground for the Harry's attempts at the elixir of life. His solution worked but it only provided two doses a day. If he was going to mass produce the elixir he would have to find a way to make more stones.

It was a month in the term until Harry received the research on Sirius Black. There was no trial, no questioning, and scant evidence. The deciding factor was the picture of Pettigrew's finger. Harry had exploded enough drop bears in the past year to know what happened when a blasting curse met flesh. A blasting curse powerful enough to remove everything except a finger would coat the entire street in liquified flesh. The finger might have been believable if it was a middle finger, that at least could have have been sticking out when the curse hit, but it was a pinky and obviously cut off.

There were only two crimes that Black had supposedly committed. The betrayal of his parents and the murder of Pettigrew. There was no evidence stronger than weak hearsay for one and no evidence for the other. _Crap, he's innocent. I'm going to have to restart just to get him out of Azkaban._

Harry kept on with his schooling until November 1st...

"Mr. Potter, somehow your name has come out of the Goblet of Fire. You are magically bound to compete in the Triwizard Cup at Hogwarts."

The headmaster was stunned at the volume and variety of cursing that Harry could produce. A quarter of an hour later Harry had wound down, "You know what? I give up. I'll go to bloody Hogwarts. I need to deal with Black anyway. I've just been putting this off. Puberty sucks. Load save: Brand New Day."

**Author's Notes: I don't own Harry Potter.**

**A review of what Harry does and does not know:**

**Harry does not know that Quirrell is Voldemort**

**Harry does not know about the Chamber of Secrets of Riddle's Diary**

**Harry does not know that Scabbers is Pettigrew**

**Harry does not know who put his name in the Goblet of Fire**

**Harry does know that he can't be expelled from Hogwarts**


	10. Chapter 10

Promising Hedwig bacon later Harry left Privet Drive for the day. Setting up multiple identities, laundering money, and starting production of the elixir of life always took time to set up. At the end of all that he still had to get Sirius Black representation.

Convincing Zebulon that he did in fact want representation for Sirius Black took longer than Harry had anticipated. By the time he arrived in #4 Privet Drive Dumbledore was eating dinner with a red faced Vernon and subdued Aunt Petunia. _I knew I forgot something. Someone tried to stun me this morning. Loogie something. _"Harry, my boy, we've been worried."

"Why, Professor Dumbledore? Why do you feel like I should be made a prisoner?"

"Of course I don't think you should be a prisoner, Harry. I didn't want to tell you this until you were older but the man who killed your parents could still be alive-"

Vernon couldn't take it anymore, "What? My family is being in placed in danger by having that freak in this house!? I want him gone. I want all of you-"

"_Silencio._ Mr. Dursley, the wards created by Mrs. Potter protect this house as long as Harry lives here. This is the safest place not only for Harry but for your family as well. If Harry left then those protections would fail." Harry didn't think Vernon was listening. He was silently shouting and gesticulating. The red in his face had gone mauve.

"But you want me to go away to boarding school?"

"The wards are strong enough to allow you to leave for school, Harry. I don't mean for you to be a prisoner but the safest place for you is this house."

"If you are sincere than you could help me with something. I found out that my godfather is in prison. I want him out."

"Harry, Sirius Black betrayed your parents and killed a dozen people. He is where he belongs."

"He received no trial. There is no record of him being questioned and the evidence against him is vague at best. As the Chief Warlock of the Wizengamot I would hope that you could at least give him a trial."

"Harry, it was a difficult time and..."

"I wasn't talking about back then. I'm talking about right now. There is a man being tortured into insanity and you only think he might have committed a crime.

"How do you know all this? Hagrid just told you that you were a wizard yesterday."

"Hagrid wasn't my first encounter with the wizarding world." Dumbledore's eyes twinkled and Harry thought of only of a mound of moldy textbooks left in the corner of the attic. _Mangy old coot._

"I see. Well then, Harry, I will see what I can do about a trial for Sirius Black. I would not get your hopes up."

"Thank you. I think we have some apple pie if you're staying for dessert."

"Oh, I couldn't possibly. Thank you for your time, my boy." Dumbledore walked out with a noticeable spring in his step.

Harry decided to play it safe. No vanishing off for the entire summer, well, not without saving beforehand. From Dumbledore's cronies' perspective Harry was the perfect student spending long hours everyday getting knowledge points. Harry tried not to think about it too much over his hangover. Of course Harry also had the only one hundred percent hangover cure in the world so after the month long party through Europe he would put in his twelve hours of study, save, then go off for another round.

It only took two weeks from Dumbledore and Zebulon to get Sirius a trial. Harry insisted on being there. The entire experience reminded him more of a roman coliseum than a court of law. The paucity of evidence and a veritaserum statement from Black forced a vote of not guilty. Though Harry made sure to note those who voted guilty. The blame was deftly passed to the previous administration, a warrant was placed on Peter Pettigrew, and they broke for lunch.

The next day Harry visited Sirius at St. Mungo's. Sirius was propped up in a bed. He was clearly emaciated, the nurses had shaved him every hair of his head clearly displaying sunken cheek bones.

"Hey Harry. I hear that you got me out of there

"It was the least I could do."

"I'm your godfather. Do you know what the means?"

"You're my guardian."

"I _will_ be your guardian. I need to recover from the effects of Azkaban first. Tell you what, this Christmas we'll go to the south of France. Have a holiday. Get to know each other."

"Sounds good. Why'd the nurses shave your head?"

"My head? Oh if only I was so lucky. They shaved every hair off my body. Not pretty nurses too, I think one of them was a transfigured bulldog. Harry, as my first bit of godfatherly advice: when you get out of a prison that you've been trapped in for a decade and see a pretty nurse, the first beauty that you've seen in years, don't tell the her that you want a drink and a shag. Especially when the doctor is in the room. Especially when the nurse is married to said doctor."

"Will do, Sirius, will do."

Harry visited his godfather every day for the rest of the summer. He had never had family that actually like him before. Dudley at least had made some inroads but they still didn't _like_ each other. Sirius continued to give Harry his bits of godfatherly wisdom. He almost cried when Harry told him they should go to Italy instead of France because the Veela colonies in Italy were much friendlier. _You know, he's probably the only person besides Luna that I can just be myself with. The dementors really _did_ do a number on his head._

September first arrived too soon just like it did every year. Harry set off to platform 9 and ¾ and claimed an empty compartment. He waited and sure enough a brown, curly haired witch with a round faced boy in a headlock asked if they could have a seat.

"Plenty of room. I'm Harry Potter."

"Oh, I read all about you-"

"No. No. Let me stop you right there. I've looked over the books they've written about me. What little facts there are are buried in a swamp in speculation and bullshit. Please don't tell me that you know about me because you read that trash." Neville and Hermione looked at Harry. "Look, I'm sorry but those books have a tendency to set me off. What are your names?"

"I'm Neville Longbottom and this is Hermione Granger."

"You can't have read everything they've written about you. Some of what I've read has to be true."

"Hermione, some of what you read was true. Just not most. I'm sitting right here though. Ask me anything you want and I'll do my best to answer. I should warn you though that all publishing rights for my life story have been given to Luna Lovegood so everything has to be off the record."

The train pulled away from the station Harry explained that no, he didn't know how he defeated Voldemort or even if he had defeated Voldemort. He did not know any secret, lost mysteries of magic. He was not the reincarnation of Merlin (which didn't even make sense because it was well known that Merlin was trapped under a rock somewhere), and that no he could not shoot lightning out of his curse scar. He was glad when Malfoy came in and interrupted Hermione's barrage.

"Stop. Before anyone says anything; you two, how much to hire you?" Harry pointed at Malfoy's goons who only looked confused.

"They're not for sale," Malfoy sneered.

"I never said they were. I only offered to hire them. I always wanted goons. A bit of hired muscle to put fear into my enemies. So what do you say?" Harry laughed on the inside as the goons actually looked to Malfoy and asked his permission.

"Of course you can't work for him. You work for me. You, are you Harry Potter?"

"Nope, Tom Riddle at your service."

"Tell me if you see Potter would you. You two come on, we're leaving."

"Why'd you say that you're Tom Riddle?"

"You might know Riddle by his alter ego Voldemort. Confusion to your enemies, Neville."

"You pretended that you're the dark lord," Hermione gasped.

"Never call that bastard lord and I kicked his ass when I was a baby. I think I can do whatever I want with his name."

"You already said that you don't know if you actually defeated him," Hermione pointed out.

"Yes, well, if he is still alive I'm at the top of his shit list whether I use his name or not so I might as well get the pleasure of it."

Over cauldron cakes and fizzy tea Harry asked Neville, "I was wondering about one of my perks. Do you know what the Potter Family Curse is?"

"It's like the Malfoy Blessing. It's all in the hair."

"It's called the Malfoy Blessing? That's hilarious, his 'blessing' makes him look like a girl while all the girls want to run their hand through my 'curse'."

"I hardly think that's true," Hermione said.

"Tell the truth, Hermione, you've been wanting to tussle my hair ever since you walked in."

"...Yes."

"Knew it. What about you, Neville. Does your family have a blessing or a curse?"

"Our name is our curse."

Harry winced, "Ouch. Sorry about that."

"It's alright, I'm used to it. What house do you think you're going to be in?"

"Hufflepuff." The two just looked at him like he was joking. "Hufflepuff is the best house. Think about it. Tell a bunch of eleven year-olds that they are brave and you get a crowd of reckless bullies. Smart? Under performing assholes whose only goal is not to learn but prove that everyone else has learned less. Cunning? The essence of cunning is to know how to cooperate with other people to maximize your own benefit. Do you thing that the Slytherins understand that? No, they believe backstabbing is the height of cunning. Now tell a kid that he is loyal and a hard worker and what do you get? A loyal and hard worker."

Hermione was the first to speak up after Harry's rant. "That's really cynical, Harry."

"A mass murderer targeted me when I was one. My godfather, an innocent man, has been tortured in prison for the last decade. I just might be a very cynical person, Hermione. Besides, the Hufflepuff common room is right next to the kitchens."

"Dumbledore was in Gryffindor and he's the greatest living wizard."

"One: everyone takes the same classes so I doubt being in Gryffindor helped Dumbledore. Two: Eskarina Smith could kick Dumbledore's ass any day of the week."

"Who's Eskarina Smith?" asked Neville.

"She teaches Personal Optimization in Brazil. I'm taking a correspondence course with them this year." Hermione of course demanded to know what Personal Optimization was. Harry handed his textbooks over to Hermione with the warning that it was the fifth year material. Harry enjoyed seeing her confusion as she tried to figure out the formulas. _She probably isn't confused very often. __I'm going have to fix that._

The rest of the train ride devolved into an argument about the theft from Gringotts and the vandalism in the Ministry of Magic. Neville insisted that the two events were connected while Hermione argued that there would be no reason to attack the ministry and Gringotts at the same time. If the attack at the Ministry were a distraction surely it would have happened before the theft at Gringotts.

Neville claimed that whatever was stolen from the vault was what had destroyed the ministry fountain. Harry had to jump in at this point and give an edited version of the opening of vault seven hundred and thirteen and Dumbledore's reaction.

By the time the train had rolled up to the station they had discussed half a dozen ways the vault could have been robbed from leprechaun gold to ninjas. Hagrid led them off to the boats. Harry tightened his grip on his wand. He still didn't know what had happened to the giant squid. Thankfully the lake was still and they made their way up to Professor McGonagall.

Deciding that pranking the first years this time felt too much like bullying Harry just stood quietly and listened to the various outlandish theories about what sorting would entail. Fighting trolls or other magical creatures, taking tests, or even performing a musical.

The last was too good to pass up. Harry claimed that their classmates would determine their house. He quickly talked everyone into splitting into four groups, one for each house reasoning that by working together it would be easier to convince their peers to let them into the house they wanted. By the time the ghosts wafted into the room the Ravenclaw wannabes were practicing an opera, the Hufflepuff wannabes were tap dancing, the Slytherin wannabes were pulling out their best beat poems, and the Gryffindor wannabes were attempting stand up comedy.

The ghosts didn't say a word to the new students. The quietly floated up to the rafters and quietly complained that they couldn't have popcorn. Harry was in the center of all of this. He informed a red faced Weasley that perhaps George Carlin's _Seven Words Yo__u C_an Never _Say on Television_ probably was not a good choice of he didn't know what a television was and couldn't say said words without blushing. He had to inform the Slytherins that they were quoting muggle authors and that probably wouldn't endear them to their judges. The Ravenclaws he gave up as a lost cause. By the time McGonagall came back he was two stepping with the Hufflepuffs.

McGonagall glared at him. _What did I ever do to her... this time? Oh wait, I got Hedwig. Geeze, what a sourpuss._

Harry was happy to see Neville go to Hufflepuff. Hermione still went to Gryffindor. Harry felt confident that short of casting Imperio on her he would never be able to change her mind on anything.

Finally it was his turn. He sat on the stool and put on the Sorting Hat. "Sigh. Where do you want to go this time?"

"Why did you say 'sigh' and do you remember the last time?"

"I have no lungs, it's a little hard to sigh without lungs and no. You remember the last time. I just remember what you remember. It's odd to see you here again with your utter dislike of Hogwarts."

"I don't dislike Hogwarts. I was only here one week and it was a pretty fun week. I just think the headmaster is senile."

"I couldn't comment. I've haven't been on his head since he was sorted. Just please don't kill the dog to get rid of a flea."

"I'll try not to. No promises."

"HUFFLEPUFF!"

The great hall was quiet until Harry had actually sat down between Neville and Hannah. Then the Hufflepuff table stood up with a loud cheer, the Slytherins gave a slow clap, the Ravenclaws just started talking to one another, and the Gryffindors seemed to stunned to speak.

**Author's Notes: I don't own Harry Potter.**

**This chapter was going to be all about getting Sirius out of prison but then I cam e to my senses and Sirius was released behind the scenes because politics are boring. I had a whole thing planned and then nixed it.**

**I'm not going to introduce muggle devices into the story. It would destroy the balance. I was one of my original plans for the story, I came up with this a year ago. I've forgotten half a dozen plotlines, like in one of them the statute of underage magic was actually going to be enforced so Harry had to learn how to brew potions to get around it.**


	11. Chapter 11

Harry's second first week at Hogwarts was similar to his first first week. He had the same classes on a slightly different schedule but Wednesday was still Astronomy with all the first years. Harry couldn't understand why the British wizarding community was so far behind not just the muggles in astronomy but all the other wizarding countries as well. He had argued with Sinestra about the orbit of the planets for half the class, "The only way for the planets to orbit the sun in a perfect circle is if the planet was moving at the exact velocity for that radius and there were no perturbations, say from all the other planets."

"The circle is the perfect shape, Mr. Potter. It was well established-"

"By Kepler that the shapes are elliptical further explained by Newton why they were elliptical and LaGrange why those particular orbits were stable. There has been four hundred years of advancement in this subject that you seemed to have missed, Professor."

"Perhaps you would like to teach this class, Mr. Potter."

"Gladly, Professor." Harry did not appreciate the detention she gave but he would wait until after Potions to go to his new head of house. It wouldn't do to show up every day with a new complaint.

On Thursday the Hufflepuffs had double potions with the Ravenclaws. "Potter, where would you look if I told you to find me a bezoar?"

Harry looked straight into Snape's eyes and imagined giving Snape's hair a cut with a lawnmower. "The stomach of a goat."

Snape sneered, "What is the difference, Potter, between Monkshood and Wolfsbane?"

Shifting strategies he steeled his stomach and envisioned Snape in lingerie being spanked by a house-elf. "There is no difference, sir." Harry looked in interest at Snape's face. Vernon would turn red and then purple when he was angry; Snape however went pale, almost white.

"50 points and detention for disrespecting a teacher, Potter."

x x x

"Professor Sprout, can I speak with you for a moment?"

"Of course, come in, come in. How has your first week been?"

"That's what I wanted to talk to you about. I am not going to attend Potions or Astronomy anymore. Astronomy is hopelessly out of date and Professor Snape is a petty bully."

"That is not up to you, Mr. Potter. You are required to attend the core classes.

Harry proceeded to describe the classes in detail including the two detentions and loss of house points given by Snape. "I will not attend any classes or detentions given by that man. I refuse."

"Very well, Mr. Potter. I will speak to the headmaster about this."

x x x

"Arrogant boy, just like his father."

"Harry, surely you can see that-"

Harry held up a hand forestalling Dumbledore, "Stop right there, headmaster. We are here to talk about the insults and bullying given by that man and he just insulted me again. Right in front of you and you said nothing. You are very clearly biased in this discussion. It might be best to bring in cooler heads, my solicitor, Mr. Davies, would be happy to-"

"That's fine my boy. I'm sure we can arrange a correspondence classes for you. No reason to call Mr Davies."

"Thank you, headmaster. There is still the issue of detentions. I will not attend any detentions given by Snape."

"Professor Snape, Harry. And this I cannot allow. I cannot allow discipline in this school to be dictated by the students."

"Better to be dictated by a man that we have already established is petty and vindictive? Fine, all detentions given to me by Snape-" "Professor Snape, Harry." "-must go through Professor Sprout and I must have the opportunity to defend myself."

"I rather like that idea, Albus. From now on all detentions given to my Hufflepuffs by Severus must go through me."

"Dumbledore, you aren't going to allow interference in how I handle my class? This woman-"

"Thin ice, Severus. You are on very thin ice." Sprout reflexively gripped her sword causing Snape to gulp.

"Surely you are not going to interfere with another professor, Pomona?"

"Have you even been paying attention to our conversation? Yes I'm going to stand up for my Puffs and if I see any large point deductions in the future I'm going to be asking about those as well. Good day, Albus, Severus." With that Professor Sprout guided Harry out of the office.

The next day Harry was stuffing Hedwig and explaining to his housemates that he was taking a correspondence course for astronomy and Potions. He expected that there would be a sharp drop in attendance in Potions. If he was lucky Snape might even be sacked when enough students refused to take his class.

"Hello, Harry. How have you been... mate?" Harry turned around and nearly jumped in fright. There was Draco and company and they looked... contrite. Harry had been wondering when he would see them again. He expected a few vague threats and a promise of Harry's later comeuppance, not this.

"Hello, Draco. How have you been?"

"Good, wrote my father. He suggested I talk to you about our family history. We have a long history of loyalty to those who deserve it."

_It worked. It actually worked. _"I was always under the impression that loyalty must be demonstrated. Perhaps we might talk of it later."

"Yes. Thank you for your time, 'Harry'."

"What was that about?" asked Neville.

"I'll tell you later." Back in the dorms Harry explained that Lucius and Draco Malfoy thought that he might be Voldemort reborn. Neville thought Harry was daft but Harry made him promise not to tell anyone.

Hermione seemed to be frazzled. Her entire house gave her the cold shoulder but it still upset her when Harry sat next to her in History of Magic. "I can't be seen talking to you. Everybody was surprised when you didn't get sorted into Gryffindor then I told them what you said on the train and-"

"Hermione, they might like you in the future. I like you right now. If you want I'll go sit next to Neville but wouldn't the brave Gryffindorish thing to do be to tell them off and be my friend?"

"Thanks, Harry. I'll tell them to go stuff it."

The warning from Hermione came just in time as over the next week Harry had to sharpen his wits against the Gryffindor pranksters. Well, only a few of them could be called pranksters. Most just shot spells at his back. Harry had worn silk shirts ever since he found out about their properties as a magical insulator so the weak hexes had no effect leading to a nice reputation as an invincible genius.

The Weasley twins were more persistent. After a week of avoiding their traps Harry sent them a letter thanking them for the action points and they promptly stopped.

Two weeks of boredom finally drove Harry into the library. Harry already knew that Hogwarts only had four Quidditch teams each playing a maximum of four games per year. It still came as a shock to realize that there were no racing clubs, chess clubs, bands, art clubs or any extracurricular activities outside of Quidditch and a group that occasionally played Gobstones on the weekends.

The Hogwarts library was not indexed or sorted based on anything other than random chance. The knowledge of where a book was in the library was itself magical knowledge and refused to transfer saves. _I've seen an orangutan maintain a better library than this._

Every time in the past he had tried to look up information on past Protagonists he found that the book belonged to Hogwarts and the Hogwarts library never shared. Now that he was at Hogwarts he still couldn't find anything more than vague legends.

Giving it up as a lost cause Harry started his racing drills through the forbidden forest. He pretended he was on Endor and the trees made the best obstacles. Giant invisible webs he quickly found were less than ideal. Stuck to the web with a clicking sound coming from around he thrashed his body to turn his head. He had never been afraid of spiders before but now Harry had to reevaluate that life choice. Gleaming black eyes and clacking mandibles in a face the size of Hagrid's, the spider seemed to be singing him a lullaby,

_Who killed Cock Robin?_  
_I, said the Sparrow,_  
_with my bow and arrow,_  
_I killed Cock Robin._  
_Who saw him die?_  
_I, said the Fly,_  
_with my little eye,_  
_I saw him die._  
_Who caught his blood?_  
_I, said the Fish,_  
_with my little dish,_  
_I caught his blood._  
_Who'll make the shroud?_  
_I, said the __Spider__,_  
_with my thread and needle,_  
_I'll make the shroud._ [1]

"Load save: Daily." _Alright, now I have something to do. Time to go hunting._

Harry's DADA textbook didn't have a chapter on giant spiders. A trip to the library left him with a headache and the knowledge that acromantulas had a magically reinforced carapace that gave resistance to magic. They had no eyelids so sight was a large weakness and their carapace gave no resistance against mental spells. A quick survey of the library led Harry to flash spells, the dancing hex, and hypnotism. A rush mail order from Zonko's left Harry the proud owner of his very own pendulum and Can of Whoop Ass.

_Boredom might just make me do very stupid things. Nah, this is brilliant._ Harry left the castle early on a Saturday morning and marched into the forbidden forest. The first acromantula he saw he hypnotized to sleep, put a bubble charm around it and asphyxiated the spider with the Can of Whoop Ass. The next spiders came as a group however. A large group swarmed through the trees singing:

_The Grand old Duke of York he had ten thousand men  
He marched them up to the top of the hill  
And he marched them down again.  
When they were up, they were up  
And when they were down, they were down  
And when they were only halfway up  
They were neither up nor down. _[2]

"Load save: Daily." _That was different. I need someway to get all of them at once. I'm forgetting something but what..._ "Load: Fourth Summer New Zealand." _Something happened at Hogwarts. Dumbledore couldn't bug me that summer because he was busy._ Sifting through old stacks of Quibbler Harry saw it. A picture of Filch's mangy old cat hanging from a torch sconce next to some graffiti. _Luna really outdid herself on this. The Chamber of Secrets. Petrification. _Sight based_ petrification. Bingo. _"Load save: Daily."

A quick visit to the library with Hermione and Harry found out everything that was known about the Chamber of Secrets. Precisely diddly-squat. It was all made worse by the configuration of the library. There might be a detailed explanation of the chamber somewhere but Harry knew they would never find it. "So Salazar may or may not have put a secret chamber in the school that may or may not contain a monster. Thanks, Hermione, but I think it's all been pointless."

"Remember what you told me on the train? 'Everything in the books are rubbish but I'm right here and you can ask me'?" "Yes..." "Well Hogwarts is right here and there is no telling how long some of the ghosts have been here. You could just-"

"-ask them. Thanks, Hermione. You're brilliant."

Interviewing the ghosts was harder than it first sounded. First Harry had to find a ghost; never easy when the ghosts could randomly walk through walls or locked doors. He managed to corner the friar in the common room after a few days of searching then the next problem reared its head. Harry had to convince the ghost to talk to him. The friar started talking easily enough and then didn't stop. He rambled on about the time when he was alive and Harry finally had to cut him off. Promising that he would continue the interview but he needed a diction quill first Harry sent a note off to Luna. Trading the collective knowledge of a dozen ghosts for one pen seemed a fair trade.

Leaving the owlery Draco passed Harry a note telling him to meet some 'like minded individuals' in a dungeon classroom. Harry walked into the room and woke up tied to a chair with Marcus Flint's ugly mug pressed into his face. "Fell to a stunner. You aren't the Dark Lord. Did you really think that you were going to get away with this, Potter?"

"Load save: Daily."

Harry walked into the room, twisting on a heel and ducking the stunner he sent a concussive hex into the fifth year sending the seventh year flying into the wall. "Is this how you greet me?"

"No, my lord. But it has been so long and we have been instructed we must ensure that you are not an imposter. Please have mercy on us."

"Very well. I warn you that I have limited patience. I will allow one more test."

"_Serpensortia_."

"My, you are beautiful. I am honored to make your acquaintance," Harry hissed to the snake. The response from those gathered was gratifying, falling flat on their stomach and groveling. "Arise gentlemen, I only want to show you the violence inherent in the system. You're being repressed and I am only here to help."

**Author's Notes: I don't own Harry Potter**

**[1] Who Killed Cock Robin is an actual children's rhyme**

**[2] The Grand Old Duke of York is another children's rhyme**

**The nursery rhymes will be explained but you really just have to imagine how Hagrid would raise a giant spider to understand.**


	12. Chapter 12

Looking around the classroom Harry cursed his age and high pitched voice. Dropping an octave he gestured at his audience. "You are being repressed by the system. Those in power. Those with – dare I say it – pure blood. Who here is in their seventh year? Ah, good. You there, what's your name?"

"Gamp. Christopher Gamp."

"Mr. Gamp, what will you be doing when you leave these hallowed halls?"

"My Pa got me a job at the ministry."

"The ministry. Everyone in the seventh year raise your hand if you are going to work at the ministry. Six. Now who is not going to work at the ministry? Two. What are you two going to do?"

"Help my family with our shop."

"Get my mastery in transfiguration."

"And after that?"

"I'll become a researcher for the ministry."

"Fascinating. Wizarding Britain has about five thousand witches and wizards. Who can tell me where they are all employed? Do they run shops? No. There are fewer than a hundred shops in all of Britain. Do they manufacture goods? No. All non-magical goods are liberated from the muggles and all magical goods – with a few rare exceptions," Harry fingered his wand, "are made by non-humans. So what do we, the elite of the magical world, do?"

"We run things," Draco said.

"Do we? One, possibly even two, lucky individuals here may become the minister of magic for a few short years. A few of you will inherit a seat on the Wizengamot and then spend the rest of your lives arguing about import tariffs on newt eyes and the legality of flying carpets. But will any of you actually have power? Gamp, what will your position be in the ministry?"

"Junior Undersecretary to the Head of Magical Sports."

"I see. And you, Miss?"

"Francine Rosier. Junior Undersecretary to the Head of Magical Transportation."

"In ten, twenty years you may be the head of a department but I will tell you the truth. You will not have power. You will serve the Wizengamot and the Wizengamot will serve itself and doom us all." _Alright Harry, you've __hooked them. Now reel them in. _"Who here knows what CCTV is?" Harry paused and looked around the room. A few scratched heads and shrugs met his gaze. "It is a muggle device. It is a camera but the viewfinder and the film is kept at a separate location. They are put inside buildings and street corners to look for criminal activity. Every year more are installed. Within thirty years every public location in muggle Britain will be monitored. What will we do then?"

"They're just muggles. We'll just obliviate them."

"Obliviate who? The cameras? Mark my words: The Statute of Secrecy will be ruined within a generation. Unless we act now the muggles will destroy us all."

"Muggles!? We would crush them."

"There are forty-eight million muggles in Britain and five thousand wizards. They outnumber us ten thousand to one. They have spent the last two hundred years developing new ways to kill each other. They measure deaths by the thousands and a single explosive has the power to kill millions. We _will_ die unless we strike first."

The crowd murmured and muttered. Disbelief warred with anxiety. "If they truly outnumber us so greatly how are we to win even if we strike first?" Asked random sixth year Slytherin.

"We strike at the heart of civilization. Money. Ladies and gentlemen, we will become insanely rich. All of us will be rich beyond your wildest dreams by ensuring muggle economy depends on what we alone can offer. If any attempt is made against us their society will collapse."

Confused looks. "Imagine if I am the only person who makes wands. If I stop making wands what happens? No more magic. No more witches or wizards. _That_ is what we are going to do to the muggles. They will need us. After we are inevitably revealed they will fear us. They will worship us. We won't just be their masters. We will be their celebrities. But first... first we need to overthrow the Ministry of Magic.

"Oh, don't look so surprised. It was always my plan to overthrow the ministry. Do you think the ministry lives to serve you? No, it is a collar, a leash that holds you down.

"Who here has heard of the Misuse of Muggle Artifacts office? It is a small office. Publicly their goal is to protect the Statute of Secrecy by hunting down any muggle devices that have been enchanted. Hopelessly corrupt, they'll turn a blind eye for a small token of appreciation. Everyone owns a magical fridge but it is illegal to make or sell one."

"My lord, you wish to take over the ministry to sell enchanted muggle toys?"

"No. My point is that the ministry purposefully destroyed a possible industry. They have destroyed job after job until every wizard is a shopkeeper or ministry employee. My plan is to use magic to create non-magical goods and services that the muggles cannot compete against. In doing so everyone in this room will become a threat to the establishment. From this point on Dark and Light are meaningless labels. There is only us and them. Do you want to save our world and become wealthy beyond measure in the process or do you wish to stand against me? Report back to your minders if you wish. Come back to this room in two days time if you are with me. I will tolerate neutral parties but if you act against me... well, I think we know how that story ends." Swirling his cloak Harry stalked from the room.

x x x

Wednesday – June 1, 1994

Harry stroked Hedwig's chest. "Who's a pretty girl. You're a pretty girl. Who's been eating too much bacon. You have. Who should I put on a diet. Some other owl that's who."

Harry walked over to his desk. _Where did I put it? __Old ideas... old ideas... ah, here we are._ He pulled out a folder packed full of slips of paper.

_ways to world domination:_

_military  
__-wizard pop?  
__-use of non-humans?  
__result: not feasible  
__social  
__-how would I even start? planet wide imperio? ick  
__-control all media? see economic  
__economic  
__-why poor wizards?  
__-industries vulnerable to magic?  
__-supply side limits to magic?  
__-loss of secrecy?_

Penning down '_in progress. __value of gold?__' _Harry cackled gleefully. Exiting the Dursley residence he sauntered to the library. A few hour's research left him with the winning lottery numbers and the exchange rate for gold for the past three years. For the rest of the summer Harry looked up recent stock market history, hypothetical materials, billionaires that died of illness, and major sporting events.

The philosopher's stone could give a few million starting capital but it was difficult to tell how soon the gold market would flood, also the goblins had a hard limit to the amount of galleons they would exchange and any muggle exchange would demand to know where a large amount of gold came from. Using the stone to offer life saving treatments to the extremely wealthy seemed to be more lucrative if with an even higher risk attached. Gambling, however, promised to be a safer and more discreet way to develop the starting capital if done using separate identities over multiple countries.

The main obstacle was the ministry. Harry handed over the legal side to Mr. Davis. As expected, every proposal was shot down. Any export to the muggles whether it was coffee mugs enchanted to be more difficult to break, trashed cars repaired by magic, or even wool socks knit by house elves were all ruled a violation of the Statute of Secrecy.

Harry returned to his life as a firstie drunk and in a bad mood.

Saturday – September 7, 1991

_Dear Harry,_

_Of course you can have a quill. If you were trapped on a desert island would you prefer a lifetime supply of soap or toothpaste? I read that the muggles have a 'beast with two backs', how does it know which direction its facing? If everyone on the planet could only have one species as a pet what would it be? Which would you choose going commando or lady's lingerie? Do you like pancakes or waffles?_

_Your Dashing Damsel, Gumptious Gumshoe, Star Reporter_

_Luna Lovegood_

Harry removed a bright blue quill from the envelope._ Huh. Forgot about that. Now how should I start? I'm going to need a list of all the ghosts in the castle. Would it be worth it adding paintings to my list? I should just start with the ghosts. I only know about the four house ghosts and Binns but there must be other ghosts. Doesn't matter today. I have paperwork to do._

x x x

Sunday – September 8, 1991

Harry walked into a full classroom. "I see a few new faces in the crowd. While I welcome all of you I should lay down a new ground rule. The first rule of Poker Night is that you do not talk about Poker Night. If anyone does not know how to play Poker I suggest you learn over the next week. Initial buy in will be ten sickles. The next meeting will be in one week, same place, same time.

"Everyone take a business prospectus, feel free to look it over before you give it to your head of family. Leave my name, both of my names out of this. This is officially being brought forward by a Mr. Fawkes. It has no connection to me or my godfather in any way."

"Spider silk?"

"Yes, a simple non-magical product with many uses that cannot be made by current non-magical processes. It promises to be very lucrative and it's just a starting point to build up enough muggle currency for the long range plans."

"Long range plans?"

"Need to know. You don't. At least not yet."

"Seventh years, you are to continue with your plans. Show competence in your job and I will ensure that you are promoted quickly.

"Mr. Malfoy a private word? Convey to your father that I bear him no ill will. I simply wish for all of my loyal followers to continue to lie low until I call for them. Are there any concerns?"

"My lord, he requests what to do with the item you left in his safekeeping?"

_Item? Score!_ "Tell him to send it to me."

"Yes, my lord."

"Please drop the 'my lord'. From now on I am just the first among equals. Refer to me as Harry in private lest you slip in public."

"Yes... Harry."

x x x

Tuesday – September 10, 1991

At dinner Draco walked straight to the Hufflepuff table, loudly cleared his throat and said, "Harry, the package has arrived."

"Great. Just give it to me _after _dinner."

Neville looked up. "Package, what package?"

_Note to self: explain subtlety to Draco. _"Er, his mother promised to send me cupcakes."

"Huh, why?"

"It turns out that she's my guardian's cousin. They were raised as siblings which kinda makes me her new nephew."

"So it doesn't have anything to do with the you-know-what?"

"Nah, absolutely nothing to do with the you-know-what."

x x x

"Draco, from now on I will be in the library at four every day. If there is anything not school related please bring it up there instead of in the great hall surrounded by students and watched over by Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore."

"Er, yes, my... Harry. Here is you package."

"Thank you. I am sure that _the cupcakes your mother sent to her cousin's new ward _will completely fulfill all my expectations."

x x x

"Hey, Hedwig. I need to make a new save. Dangerous Item. Save. Thanks beautiful."

Harry opened the package revealing a worn out, brown leather bound journal. _A diary? Riddle kept a diary? A blank diary? He left it to Malfoy to safeguard so there must be something magical about it. A key to reveal the contents maybe?_ "Reveal yourself," Harry hissed. _Nothing. If it's not just general Parseltongue it could be a code phrase. I don't have a chance of guessing that. Maybe blood? Where could I get a sample of Riddle's blood? How would I secure a journal? Well, I'd store it in a parallel time line but I don't think Riddle could do that. But why leave it with Malfoy? He would have to go to Malfoy every time he wanted to write or read from the journal. Maybe a contingency plan? As soon as Riddle disappeared or was captured Malfoy secured and hid the journal? But then Riddle would have had to made contingency plans if he met his doom – a little melodramatic there, Harry? – having met him twice I don't think he would plan for failure. Maybe I'm thinking about this all wrong. Is this really a diary?_

"Hello. Can you speak to me?" _It's a book. Who would make a talking book, idiot? The same people who would make talking hats, mirrors, or paintings. It's the clock radio of the magical world. _Harry scribbled down, "Hello. Can you hear me?"

The ink seeped into the page. In an elegant cursive the diary responded, "Hello. My name is Tom. What is your name?"

_A copy. He made a copy of himself. Or a book that thinks it's a copy. Or a book that is lying about being a copy. Has Malfoy been following Riddle's orders for the last ten years? _"My name is John. Are you like a painting, Tom?"

"A painting? Yes, you can think of me like a painting."

"It must be very lonely. At least as a painting you can watch people go by."

"Yes. You are the first person I've talked to in many years. How old are you, John?"

"I'm eleven. I just started Hogwarts."

"Ah, Hogwarts. I remember my first year there. A wonderful place. Does Professor Binns still teach history?"

_He doesn't ask how I got the journal. Odd. _"Load save: Dangerous item."

"Hello. Can you hear me?"

"Hello. My name is Tom. What is your name?"

"My name is Harry Potter. Are you like a painting, Tom?"

"A painting? Yes, you can think of me like a painting."

_Either he is a terrific liar or he really hasn't talked to anyone in years. _"Load save: Dangerous item."

"Voldemort. I would speak with you."

"Who is this to demand an audience."

"Harry Potter."

"Potter? Why would one of the Potters wish to speak with me?"

_He really doesn't know who I am. Malfoy has been acting independently. Well... that's good. _"I killed you."

"Killed me? I am immortal fool. Silence your prattling and begone."

"You do have a habit of coming back. It is very annoying. How do you keep on doing that?" The diary refused to answer. "Load save: Dangerous item."

"Hello. Can you hear me?"

"Hello. My name is Tom. What is your name?"

"My name is John. Are you like a painting, Tom?"

Author's Notes: I don't own Harry Potter.

The 5000 wizards estimate is either a bit generous or a dramatic underestimation. It really depends on whether Hogwarts is the only school in Britain but we do know that Hogsmeade is the only Wizarding village and that Diagon alley is the hub of the wizarding commerce. You could fit both into a shopping mall and still have room to spare. That and the complete absence of any mention of another British magical school in canon suggests that the Wizarding population is tiny. For such a small population the size of the ministry is ridiculous. It is almost like the ministry purposefully employs everyone it can. The next question that needs to be asked is why are there poor wizards and witches? I could make an easy six figure salary off of Reparo. A spell that a first year is able to cast. Do the Weasleys lack the imagination or is there an outside force that prohibits such an action? Hence I have the ministry employing over half of a very small population by the simple expedient of making it almost impossible to find work elsewhere. If I had to control a population of superhumans I would probably do something similar. A combined welfare and policing system that maintains the status quo.

On the Misuse of Muggle Artifact office, no, I don't think Mr. Weasley takes bribes. He is corrupt with his flying car and what not but he has a stiff sense of honor and doesn't care about money. He would, however, turn a blind eye to his subordinates taking bribes.

One of the problems I've been having is with Harry's morality. I view morality as linked to the consequences of actions but Harry's actions only have consequences if he so chooses. If he simply reloads then could anything he does be considered immoral? From that there is a slippery slope. If Harry wants to to test out accidental magic he could just toss a bunch of toddlers off a roof see how magic responds, reload, repeat. The only thing stopping him would be a sense of disgust but the longer he lives in the loops and the longer he has the same repetitive interactions with his peers the more likely it is that he will stop thinking of them as people.

The other problem is that Harry has no risk associated with any of his actions. He can always reload a game the only disadvantage is personal disgust and boredom. He wants to steal the philosopher's stone? No problem. He just spends a few months on a ridiculously complex and convoluted plan. He wants to pretend to be Voldemort? Go right on ahead. He wants to tame a basilisk to hunt down acromantulas? Why not. The final picture is an increasingly unstable man (by this point Harry is in his lower twenties if you count up all of his years most of which was spent cavorting around Europe, though biologically he has not gone through puberty so while he is not a virgin from his post puberty self he really doesn't care about sex right now, doesn't have the hormones for it. Yeah, that's my answer for the squick factor of a grown up in a child's body. So no, no pairings until at least sixth year, not that this will last that long.) who is going to be enacting insane plans. Most of which will backfire on him. I should have really set this up so that he could bring people along with him. As much as I love Luna she is not the person I would choose to maintain my sanity.


End file.
